Deidara's Troubles
by magewriter
Summary: Deidara is living with the rest of the Akatsuki and all sorts of crazy things happen. Rated T because Itachi reads Icha Icha Paradise but doesn't talk about it and Hidan is a cutter. Based on a Deviantart comic by Suzimi URL in the fanfic. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Disclaimer: I don't own Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Itachi, the Akatsuki, or any of the names or places featured in Naruto.

Well, I've never actually watched or read any Naruto, but I have a friend (on Fanfiction, she's Deidara's Most Rabid Fangirl, and on DeviantART, she's Pockymachine. If you ever hear me refer to someone as "Pockles," this started as me trying to make her want another username) who's obsessed with Deidara. He is her bishie. Hence, I've learned a lot of stuff about the Akatsuki and the Naruto series in general. So, here's my try at making a decent fanfiction. They're probably all going to be slightly ooc because I've never watched or read anything (except for my friend's fanfiction, episode three of the original series, and a small part of Shippuden which included Dei-san and Gaara) having to do with Naruto.

Dedication: This story is dedicated to Suzimi, an artist on DeviantART, for her comic "Say 'aaah' Deidara." For details, go to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Why is it that _I_'m always sent to get the miso base, yeah? Why can't it be Sasori-dana? I hope I can send _him_ next time, and he can see how it feels, yeah! I hope he catches his death, yeah…"

Deidara was muttering to himself. Planning ahead, he had bought seventeen packages of miso base. It would dissolve in water to become the wonderful soup that he loved so much.

His arm was getting tired, so he leaned against an iron gate for a split second. Feeling the freezing metal on his hand made him take it off.

But he couldn't.

His tongue on his right hand was stuck to the frozen metal. He stood there for ten minutes, but the iron refused to come above freezing.

Finally, Sasori came along. It didn't usually take Deidara this long to go to the store and come back. When he saw Deidara leaning on the fence, he got mad.

"Deidara, this isn't the time to lounge around! We could get a mission at any second!"

"It's not my fault, yeah! My tongue is stuck to the fence, yeah!"

Sasori fought hard to contain his laughter. As he left, Deidara yelled after him, "Get the metal cutter or something, yeah! Sasori, are you listening to me, yeah?" After he was far enough away that he though Deidara couldn't hear him, he burst out laughing.

After awhile, Kisame cut Deidara free with Samehada, grumbling something about how Itachi had made him do it. "Finally, yeah! Thanks, Kisame-kun, yeah!"

He ran home.

Sasori had started a fire for some reason. Dei-kun held his iron bar in front of it for awhile until his tongue fell off. Then, he went to the stove and started to heat some water. He didn't wait for it to heat, he just stuck his hand in it. "There you go, yeah. Poor little tongue, yeah. I'll make you some miso, yeah." Sasori found it hilarious that Deidara was crooning to his own hand, and he found it hard to contain his laughter. "What are you laughing at, yeah? My tongue was stuck to that bar for twenty minutes, yeah! I think it deserves some warm water, yeah!"

"Yeah, but you don't have to croon to it, Deidara! Be a man!"

"Better than you, yeah. If it had been you, you would have screamed, yeah. But I barely even flinched, yeah."

He brought his hand out of the water. "Are you better, yeah? Show me, yeah. Show me. I can't help you if you won't show me where it hurts, yeah." He was like a mother taking care of a young child, except that he was crooning to one of his three tongues.

"Deidara, stop babying it! You have two others!"

"Yeah, but I need it to help me fight, yeah!"

"It's a tongue! It'll get better!"

"Maybe you should respect your body more, Sasori, even if you are a puppet, yeah. When my tongue gets frostbite, I put it in warm water, yeah."

"This just sounds stupid! We're talking about your tongue!"

"I know, yeah. Would you make some miso, yeah? I would, but I have to let my tongue soak in the warm water, yeah. It's good for it, yeah."

"No."

"Why not, yeah?"

"Because I hate you. You refuse to see that art is meant to last."

"And you refuse to see that art is a bang, yeah. What does that have to do with making the wonderful soup of life, yeah? You know we have some in the fridge, yeah. You'd just have to heat it up, yeah."

"If you licked an iron bar in the middle of winter without thinking of the consequences, that's not my fault."

"But if you're being mean, it _is_ your fault, yeah."

Sasori chose to ignore the last statement. Then Itachi came in.

"Deidara, what'd you do to yourself now?"

"Well, see, I was leaning against this fence, yeah, and then my tongue got stuck to it, yeah. So now I'm soaking my hand in warm water because that's what you're supposed to do, yeah. But, Sasori's making fun of me, yeah, and he refuses to heat up some miso."

"Deidara, you can be so childish sometimes…"

"It wasn't my fault, yeah! Sometimes it seems like all I'm good for is blowing stuff up and buying miso, yeah. My arm was tired, yeah, so of course, I leaned against a fence, yeah. But it was cold, yeah, and my tongue stuck to the metal, yeah. You'd get tired, too, if you were trying to carry seventeen packages of concentrated miso, yeah!"

"Why seventeen? That's such a random number."

"That's all the store had, yeah."

"Deidara, you can be stupid sometimes, but I guess it can't hurt to give you miso."

"Yay! Thank you, Itachi-san, yeah! It's in the fridge, yeah."

"I know where miso is kept. You practically live off the stuff."

"I know yeah! Isn't it yummy, yeah?"

"… I will never understand you." Itachi walked to the fridge and took out the pot of miso, half-full after two days of being available to Deidara. He got a small pot from the cupboard and scooped some of the soup into it, then set one of the stove burners to "high" and set the pot on it. "Okay, there you go, Deidara. I'm assuming you'll want a spoon?"

"No, yeah. I'm going to eat it with my right hand, yeah."

"But I thought your right hand was hurt."

"Miso makes everything better, yeah!"

"…" sweat drop

"Don't listen to him," came a call from the other room. "He's just doing it to get attention."

"How can someone even call themselves an artist if they refuse to see that art is in everything, yeah?"

"Oh, yeah? What's the art in your water?"

"There are all the little molecules bouncing around in there, yeah, and there are going to be bubbles, yeah, and the height of the water in the pot is art, yeah. Not very carefully-done art, yeah, but it's, like, useful art, yeah. How are movies permanent, yeah?"

"Because, although the pictures flash in front of you, they're still there to look at when you're done watching the movie if you're not some freak with ADD like _some_ people we know."

"You're just jealous, yeah."

"Of what? Your tongue?"

"Shut up, yeah!"

"Sasori, stop. That's just mean."

"My tongue may never be the same again, yeah! And all because I went to the store to get miso for Christmas, yeah!"

"Who eats miso on Christmas? Besides you, I mean."

"The Christmas season is the time when you get to eat more and no one makes fun of you, yeah!"

"It's not like we even celebrate it…"

"I do, yeah! I make a bunch of clay birds, yeah, and I have them perch on a Christmas tree in the town square of one of the villages, yeah, then I blow them all up, yeah. It's really pretty, yeah. Do you want me to get a picture for you, yeah?"

"No, that's okay…"

"I send them out with my Christmas cards, yeah. It'll be no trouble."

"You send out Christmas cards?"

"Yeah, yeah! To people I chose not to kill because it's the Christmas season, yeah!"

"This is sort of making me afraid of what you do for White day…"

"I buy those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, yeah, and I put my birds in and eat the chocolate, yeah, and then I give them to people and blow them up, yeah. And you should see my Independence Day fireworks, yeah!"

Sasori: sweat drop

"Okay, Deidara. The miso's done. I'll put it into a bowl for you."

"Thanks, Itachi-san, yeah!"

And so, Deidara's right hand had its fill of miso. He felt better then, but he still turned off the stove and took his water (which had been heating) into his bedroom to soak his tongue in private.

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This chapter was really short. I came up with it one morning over spring break when my sister woke me up at 5:30 looking for a CD or something (I have no idea what she was looking for because she woke me up by turning on the light, so I had my eyes closed) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I checked the characters and script with my friend who loves Dei-san, so it should be pretty good. I'm sorry, Pockles, but I'm probably going to check this stuff with you for at least two more chapters.

She also told me how to make sense of Itachi being nice and talking so much, which is the reason why this fanfic is dedicated to Suzimi.


	2. Chapter 2

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, the Akatsuki, or any of the names or places featured in Naruto.

…So, I called up Pockles and she loved the last chapter and she suggested a way to justify Itachi being so seemingly nice. But, of course, you already know that. (This is an old comment. I've modified my fanfiction because it was going in a downward spiral, and I think that it's definitely better now)

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Deidara was thinking about things in his bedroom when, suddenly, he started to feel very sick. As in, violently sick. So, he stumbled into the bathroom and threw up. It was hard, because he was weak and therefore had very bad coordination, so he was glad that he had decided to put his hair up that day so that he only had to deal with his bangs.

Then he dragged himself back into his room and went to sleep. It was getting late anyway. He held his right hand next to his chest and put his left hand over it. It was still a bit cold, but it would be okay.

.-..-..-.

In the morning, he still felt sick. If he didn't, he would have known that he was simply because Sasori had to wake him up at 9:30.

"Deidara! Wake up, stupid! It's nine-thirty already!"

"Sasori-danna, I feel sick, yeah," he moaned, and he rolled over, trying to fall asleep.

"You're such a sissy! Sometimes, I don't know how I can stand to be around you."

"Sasori-danna, go away, yeah! I feel really bad today, yeah!"

"Ugh. You're such a girl sometimes! I guess I'll just have to dump all the miso down the drain if you're too sick to eat it."

In his already-miserable state, this hurt Deidara even more than it normally would. "No, Sasori, I'll eat it, yeah! I just don't want to get up right now, yeah."

Sasori considered this for a second. "Okay. You have half an hour."

"Thank you, Sasori, yeah!"

When Deidara woke up again, it was high noon.

His miso was nowhere to be found. He sank to the floor in front of the open refrigerator, having no more will to stand up now that there was no miso.

"Sasori, why did you throw away my miso, yeah?"

"I told you, you had half an hour. You didn't come for it, so I naturally assumed that you didn't want it anymore."

"That's horrible, yeah! How can you do that to the innocent miso, yeah? It was just sitting there!" He let himself fall back so that he was lying spread-eagle on the floor.

"It's not my fault if you didn't set your alarm clock!"

Sasori waited, but hearing nothing, not even whimpering, from the kitchen floor, he went over to find Deidara lying there, unconscious. "Maybe I should have let him have more time," he muttered. Because he wanted to cook lunch, he had to lug Deidara out of the room. This, by no means, meant that Deidara would wake up in his bedroom, just that he would wake up directly outside of the kitchen door.

When he woke up, he managed to drag himself to the bathroom, where he grabbed the thermometer, and then into his bed. He covered himself up then pressed the button on the thermometer.

"Sasori-danna!" Sasori heard him whining all the way down the hall in the kitchen, and frankly, he didn't want to be Deidara's servant. "Sasori-danna!" His fists clenched. The third time Deidara yelled, he stomped down the hall and slammed open the door.

"What is it, Deidara? This had better be good!"

"I'm _really_ sick."

"Really? I couldn't tell."

"No, I have a fever of a hundred and four. Could you take me to the doctor sometime today?"

"Ask someone else. Fly there on one of your bird-things."

"I tried to make one. My chakra's all messed up." He threw a clay bird, very clumsily crafted and lumpy, at Sasori, who picked it up. Deidara didn't look like he was going to blow it up.

Sasori suddenly realized that Deidara wasn't saying 'yeah' every few words.

Apparently, it really was bad.

"Okay, I'll take you to the doctor."

"Thank you, yeah." It was half-hearted, but Sasori suspected that it was all he was going to get for awhile.

On the train, Deidara didn't cough or sneeze or anything; it didn't seem to be that kind of illness. However, he whimpered a lot, which annoyed Sasori out of his mind. Akatsuki members were supposed to be strong. However, he sat next to Deidara the entire time without saying anything.

When they finally arrived at the doctor's office (it took longer than it normally would have because Deidara was going so slowly) Deidara stumbled into the room, using the door as a support, then sat down on the first available chair.

"Stop being such a sissy," Sasori murmured to him, then they got called in to talk to the doctor.

The doctor inspected Deidara. Sasori sat in the corner, waiting for it to be over. Deidara was slumped on the examining table, whimpering occasionally.

At last, it was all over. The doctor gave Sasori the prescription since Deidara was obviously in no condition to do much of anything, and they went home. Deidara fell asleep on the train, so Sasori had to shake him awake.

Despite his condition, Deidara made it all the way to his room before he flopped onto his bed, dragged his feet up to where his head normally would have been, and fell asleep like that.

When Sasori returned, he found Deidara asleep. So, he woke him up.

"What is it, Sasori-danna?"

"Medicine."

He showed Deidara the bottle of medicine and the spoon he intended to measure it with.

"I feel too sick. I can't eat or drink anything right now – I'd probably just throw it all up."

"I don't want you to be sick either! You think I want to be taking care of you? Now drink this or get beat up by me. Pick!"

Deidara chose the medicine. He sat up on the side of his bed. However, he found it hard to take the medicine because he barely had the will to swallow it. Sasori could tell that threats weren't going to work anymore. After the second spoonful, he tried encouragement.

"Okay, Deidara. You did good." The medicine that Deidara hadn't been able to swallow had begun to drip out of the sides of his mouth.

"Sasori-dana, please, no more. It tastes funny, yeah." Deidara was trembling from the strain of sitting up for so long and his eyes were watering. That, combined with the whimpering, made it seem as though he were crying.

"Don't be stubborn, Deidara, just one more. Now, open your mouth and take it like a man."

"No, no I won't take it anymore, no! Leave me alone, yeah!" He turned away, somehow trying to shield himself from Sasori.

"The doctor said, 'three spoonfuls of medicine,' you brat! Now take it!" Deidara was pushing him away, but in his state, he had a very weak defense.

"Augh! You little… you bit me!"

"I can't take it, yeah!"

"Yes, you can! If you can go all the way out to see the doctor, you can take three spoonfuls of medicine!" Sasori was now trying to shove the spoon into Deidara's mouth. Deidara proved much stronger than he had seemed before, perhaps because now he had some motivation.

"No! It's disgusting, yeah! I can't do it!" Deidara was weakening, and quickly. It wouldn't be long now.

Sasori managed to shove the spoon, which still included most of its contents, into the back of Deidara's mouth. He turned it over, tipping the medicine into Deidara's throat.

Deidara cried out in a whiny kind of way, but he had no choice but to swallow the medicine.

Sasori didn't fancy going though that procedure every day.

However, as Deidara's partner, Deidara was partially his responsibility. It was up to him to make sure that Deidara stayed in decent condition, and it was Deidara's responsibility to make sure that Sasori didn't get too beat-up, either. As much as he hated it, that also included taking Deidara to the doctor and taking care of him when he was sick.

"There! That wasn't so hard, was it?" Sasori said sarcastically. He was fuming as he replaced the cap on the medicine bottle, putting both it and the spoon on the small table next to Deidara's bed.

"Sasori-dana, would you bring me a little bit of miso? I don't think I can have too much, but… please?"

Deidara, at this point, sounded so pitiful that Sasori did it, especially since Deidara hadn't eaten all day.

He sort of grunted as he handed the bowl to Deidara. Deidara grabbed the spoon, which no longer had any medicine on it, and started to eat it after an enthusiastic "Thank you, Sasori-dana, yeah!" (This being comparative; it wasn't nearly as enthusiastic as it normally would have been)

Sasori sighed as he left the room.

Deidara fell asleep again, proving that it's possible to get over twenty-one hours of sleep in one day if you're really, really sick.

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As I said before, the reason for this chapter was originally Pockles' idea because she thought that Itachi was being too talkative and nice. My original idea was that Deidara got sick because he was out in the snow for so long.

This chapter has the actual dialogue taken directly from "Say 'aaah' Deidara" by Suzimi. If you go on her site, you should take the time to look at her other pictures as well, since they really are nice. The main differences between my dialogue and Suzimi's cartoon is that I don't use sound effects the same way she does, I use "yeah" instead of "un," and Deidara is shirtless in hers.

Please comment! I love it when people tell me what I'm doing wrong. It just seems that no one understands that I'd prefer someone giving me a detailed list of what I did wrong to a short note that says "good job." If you really can't find anything wrong with it, please tell me what you liked about it so that I can use similar things in other stories. I know that the chapters are short, but I think that the chapter length works well with the story. I've managed to fit a lot of dialogue into these three pages (I count pages as going on Microsoft Word and taking away all the margins; this chapter barely exceeds three pages, the last one was a little bit under. I'm not including my comment when I say how many pages it is).


	3. Chapter 3

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 3

Well, as I was writing this (feels so weird writing this in the past tense) I hadn't checked the last chapter with Pockles, so the plot may be different from its original version.

Disclaimer: I don't own any stuff by the writer or animators of Naruto. Suzimi is the best!

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The next morning, when Deidara woke up, he didn't really feel any better. He might have, except that he had found himself to be on the very edge of his mattress, and when he had tried to pull himself up, his arm had given out and the recoil had sent him crashing to the floor.

He dragged himself back up onto the bed, but it was hard because his hands wouldn't work right.

Then Zetsu came.

"Deidara, What are you doing? We're trying to photosynthesize outside." "Yes, it's a beautiful day."

"I'm sick. I fell off the bed. Leave me alone, Zetsu-san. Your idea of a good day is hot and wet, and I hate that." Deidara didn't like to sound whiny, but he was sick.

"Very well." "Let's be going. It's nearly noon." "Oh. Well, in that case, we should get back outside, shouldn't we?" "Yes, we should."

Deidara didn't know why, but Zetsu had always creeped him out just a bit. Maybe it was the double personality, or the venus flytrap, or the cannibalism… Was it cannibalism? Zetsu couldn't exactly be called "human."

He walked into the kitchen. By using the wall as a support, he managed to go fairly steadily. After breakfast, he decided that he would try to sweat it out.

He had intended to try to make himself some miso (the concentrated miso was still in the fridge; the pot they made the actual wonder-soup in had been taken out and cleaned to provide fridge space) and he felt so good about himself that he stated it aloud. "Now, I'm going to go make myself some miso, yeah."

He did.

It was delicious. In the hall, he grabbed as many blankets as he could carry (this being limited to a down comforter and a woven blanket; he's not all that strong right now) and lay them down on his bed. He was tired then, but he persisted, trying to get more blankets. However, he sort of stumbled sideways into Sasori's room and fell asleep halfway on Sasori's bed.

When Sasori found him, he was asleep.

"Deidara?! What are you doing on my bed? Can't I come looking for my book without you getting in my way?"

"Huh? Sasori-danna, why am I in your room?"

"I don't know! Go back to your own!"

So Deidara did. Then he remembered why he had been outside of his room and went to get more blankets. He got three woven blankets and came back to his room to find Sasori's blankets on his bed. "Sasori-danna, thank you, yeah!"

"Not like I want your sick germs on my bed! Now I have to change it!"

"Well, still, thank you, yeah."

Deidara spread the blankets over his bed (rather clumsily; he didn't need to do that good of a job for this) and stripped down to his boxers. If he was going to sweat out a fever, he didn't want his clothes right next to his skin.

He heard Sasori changing his bed, then footsteps coming into his room. He pulled his head farther under the covers when he saw that it was Sasori, carrying the same spoon as the day before.

When Sasori did this, however, he seemed to act completely different from how he would normally be. He seemed almost… kind.

"Deidara, I know you don't like this, but it's sort of your fault for getting our tongue stuck to an iron bar and standing out in the cold for twenty minutes."

"No, yeah." It was a basic refusal: no to the notion that he needed anything more than his blankets, no to the medicine, no to Sasori giving it to him, and no to a fiasco like the one the day before.

"Deidara… Listen. I don't want something to happen like yesterday. But, if it has to happen, it has to happen. Is there some way I can make this easier?"

"No, yeah."

"Then, you have to put up with this." He unscrewed the cap. As he poured the red, sticky medicine into the spoon, he said, "Open wide, Deidara. This only had to take a few seconds."

"No, yeah."

"Sit up. It won't take long. And you're stronger now. You can swallow it, so it won't just be hanging around in your mouth the entire time."

"I said no and I meant it, yeah!" Deidara recoiled, completely under the blankets. Meanwhile, Sasori couldn't stand to be nice to him anymore. He folded the sheets back on themselves, exposing all of Deidara but his feet and ankles.

"Take it, Deidara!"

"No, ye – Aah!" He had used the opportunity of Deidara yelling to cram the spoon into his mouth.

"What if I give it to your hands?"

Deidara's head perked up; he was obviously thinking.

"That's a great idea, yeah! …Because they can't taste, yeah!"

So it ended up that Deidara's hands took the medicine and they could avoid the yelling and screaming.

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…So, Pockles is sitting here next to me and we're going to have a sleepover! She says, "Hi, peoples!" and I say that's noteworthy. She's been a wonderful help keeping my characters in-character, and she even said that I did a good job with their personalities! In actuality, I just wikipedia'd them, but… maybe it helps that I'm the daughter of a psychologist. I don't know. But, this is turning out to be hilarious!

I changed this around entirely. Because, you see, originally Pockles said that, to justify Itachi being so nice, he slipped something into Deidara's miso in the first chapter that made him sick, but I say it's more fun if it's an actual illness because now we can have scenes where Sasori is trying to shove medicine into Deidara's mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 4

…So, Dei-kun is poisoned and Itachi knows that he knows and this is spiraling into something I never could have perceived, and all because of Pockles, who is sitting next to me and reading this intently. And laughing at that statement.

…But then I edited the story so that Dei-kun just got sick from being out in the snow for over twenty minutes, and won't you be glad later when I have all of my facts straight.

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The next morning (remember that, in Deidara's body's attempt to heal itself, it often overthrows his mind; his will isn't very strong at this point because his body is so weak, so maybe that's actually a good thing) Deidara woke up at the perfectly reasonable hour of 11:30. Of course, that's only reasonable if you're a teenager who gets up early every day for school.

He covered himself up with his cloak and went to the kitchen to get some miso. On the way in, he saw Zetsu coming out with several patches on it.

"Oh, Zetsu! Are you, uh, trying to quit smoking, yeah?"

"No, MiracleGro. We're trying to figure out which of the ingredients it is." "Get out of our way, human! I'm in a bad mood!"

Deidara had thought that their consumption of plant food had been insane recently, and now he knew why. The stuff was completely chemical, anyway.

…So, he heated up some miso and took it back into his room, where he put his bowl down on his bedside table. He took the cloak back off, got under the covers, sat up against the wall, and started to eat the soup of life.

When Sasori came in, he was completely calm, remembering the events of the day before. His right hand got two spoonfuls, his left hand got one. The next day, they would switch. Considering the fact that he generally felt icky and he was exceedingly weak, he was in relatively good spirits; in fact, he even thanked Sasori for helping him.

However, in the next few minutes Hidan came in; apparently, he had heard of Deidara's condition.

"You know you're not going to get better unless you convert, right?"

"I have faith in other things, yeah."

"Like what?"

"Like science, yeah! Science is good. And folk remedies, yeah. They're fun, too, yeah!"

"Yes, but if you convert, then it will end!"

"Don't care, yeah. Your religion is to bloody for me. I prefer to blow 'em up and get it done with, yeah."

"Stupid, faithless bs…" Hidan mumbled as he left the room.

He obviously had very little faith in the idiots who he was stuck in the Akatsuki with.

This didn't trouble Deidara very much, however; he was used to living with Hidan. Instead, he picked his drawing pad off the floor, took his favorite pencil from its place on his bedside table, and started to draw. He drew all sorts of things: designs for different kinds of clay creations, character design, and (although he would never tell anyone) manga. He drew chibis of all of the Akatsuki members, and frankly, he thought that he was rather good at it.

Then he closed his book. "Why are you watching me, yeah?" he said to the seemingly empty room.

Then a man appeared, a man who had never bothered to speak his name, who was perhaps a bit feminine, but who was the most powerful of the Akatsuki besides Leader.

"Why were you drawing us?"

"It's my drawing pad, yeah. Why are you in my room, yeah?"

"You're cute when you're shirtless." It was well known that Nameless (the other members had given him that name simply as something to call him) was gay, which made all of the other members uncomfortable, but he was so much stronger than them that they couldn't fight him. The irony was that he looked a bit feminine and that his voice had barely changed.

"Um… how did you know I was shirtless, yeah?"

"I can see your shoulders."

"Oh. Yeah, huh. Why would you care if you can only see my shoulders, yeah?"

"I have an imagination." This made Deidara extremely uncomfortable. He brought his covers farther up around his shoulders.

"Don't be scared, Deidara. I wouldn't do anything to you." He walked closer and bent so that his head was near Deidara's face. Deidara, under the covers, was curled up into a tight ball, and his eyes were screwed up. "But you have to admit, you're really adorable when you act childish like this." Deidara blushed bright red, which looked brighter than it normally would have because his face had been flushed before.

Suddenly, Deidara understood. His eyes opened. By this time, Nameless had stood up and was walking to the other side of the room, presumably with her hands behind her back, but nothing could be seen under her Akatsuki cloak.

"Are you a girl, yeah?" He said it quietly, almost mumbled.

She turned around and smiled a sly smile at him. The fact that she wasn't mad was proof enough that she was a woman.

"It's perfect, isn't it? I mean, here's this evil organization made up of entirely men, and their official uniform hides absolutely everything. Of course, most of the guys in this thing are hideously ugly, but there's you and Sasori and Hidan and Leader… And right now, you and Leader are the only ones who can sense my presence when I'm invisible. But, I think I like you best now because you've got this whole childish pity party going and I love it when you act like a little kid."

"Ew, you've been spying on me, yeah!"

"Pretty much. It was adorable, this morning, how it took you so long to do the clasp on your cloak."

"You were stalking me, yeah!"

"No, actually, I was making sure you didn't die or anything. You've been passing out a lot recently. You shouldn't exert yourself too much. And, this is a mission by Leader. He's the only other one who knows I'm a girl…"

"Wait a minute, yeah. How is Hidan attractive, yeah?"

"He has sort of a sophisticated charm. Although, I have to say, he doesn't do enough religious practice. He's actually following it very lightly for someone of his faith."

Deidara was disgusted by that concept. He didn't mind blood and gore, but the way that Hidan seemed to enjoy it disgusted him. And now, to learn that, for his faith, he was actually not very dedicated…

"Deidara? Are you okay, Deidara? You look sort of queasy there…" He fell backwards. "Heh… okay. I'll let you sleep. See you soon, Deidara." She pulled the covers farther up towards his chin and seemed to disappear.

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…Well, now I've introduced Nameless (my friend has a theory that it's a very feminine guy, but I don't like writing gay fanfiction for things that I have neither watched nor read) and she's… interesting. I love developing characters because then they're your own. Huzzah!


	5. Chapter 5

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 5

…Well, I'm writing this entire chapter after Pockles left (she left a little bit before Nameless came in) and it's almost noon. Maybe I'll go have lunch and change into daytime clothes sometime…

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The next day, when Sasori came to give Deidara his medicine, he noticed that the bottle was significantly lighter than the day before.

"Have you been drinking this, Deidara?"

"Why would I, yeah? It's disgusting!"

"Well, I'll ask around."

"Okay. Thanks, yeah."

Deidara took the medicine with his hands and Sasori left, then Deidara told Nameless that she didn't have to stare at him like that, she could come out.

"No, I'd prefer to stay this way."

"It really creeps me out, though, yeah."

She appeared. "Okay. I guess it can't hurt."

"Thanks, yeah."

They sat like that for awhile. As Deidara snuggled under the covers to take his midday nap (he could control when he fell asleep much better than he could a few days ago) Nameless made herself invisible again.

When he woke up, only a few hours later, Nameless was in a different part of the room and Zetsu was tied up. Deidara also noticed that the cap of the medicine bottle was unscrewed.

"How does _that_ feel, plant-boy?" Deidara knew well the excitement of threatening, taking hostages, and even killing, so he decided to let her take the victory for herself.

He also noticed that Zetsu was only wearing chemical patches on one side of themselves.

"You miserable human…"

"I wouldn't be rude, if I were you. That rope happens to be wool. You can't do anything with protein fibers!" She started laughing maniacally. Deidara sat up to get a better view.

"Now, apologize to Dei-chan!"

"Why should we?" "I'm sorry, Deidara. He just needed something to keep him going. But, now we know which chemical we're addicted to."

"You've been taking my medicine! How could you, yeah?"

Sasori came in then. "Can't I read my stupid book without – what the heck is going on in here? Deidara, why does Nameless have Zetsu tied up in the corner?"

"Black-san was using my medicine as a drug, yeah. I think Nameless is my anti-drug now, yeah."

Nameless proceeded to drag Zetsu out of the room and Deidara crawled back under the covers. Sasori stood there for a minute. They heard screams coming from the backyard, then Nameless yelling at Zetsu maniacally. "You want some of this?!"

"No, please! Not the weed killer! Anything but that!" "It was him! It was entirely his fault! Please don't punish me!" "Why you little…" "Waugh!"

Then there were more screams, presumably after a squirt of weed killer. They were, presumably, on the deck, because if they were on bare earth or on top of plants, Zetsu would already have gotten away from the madwoman.

Deidara expected that, the next time he saw Zetsu, they would be shriveled and upset.

He put on his Akatsuki cloak (remember that he was shirtless and all) and went with his bowl to the kitchen, where he rinsed it out and heated up some more miso. While the soup was heating, Zetsu came in. Parts of them were shriveled and dying, and they looked in generally bad condition.

"Is there anything I can do to help you, yeah?"

They just ignored him, going to the cupboard to get a rather large glass and filling it with water. Then they sat down and drank it.

This made Deidara even more afraid of Nameless.

Then she came in, with her bottle of weed killer slung over her shoulder, and Zetsu gave a very pitiful look to her, but she didn't so much as glimpse at them. After she came to the top of the stairs, she just turned in the opposite direction that the kitchen was in and continued on her way.

Deidara went back to his room after he had his miso, a bit clumsily but completely coordinated in comparison to only a few days before.

"Why do you always try to hide yourself from me, yeah? You know I can sense you, yeah."

"I don't know. It's just fun, I guess." She appeared to him, wearing her Akatsuki robe as always.

"…So, exactly what did Leader say, yeah?"

"Well, he just said to make sure you didn't overexert yourself because he doesn't want to lose another Akatsuki member. But, he also told me only to observe you and to see how Sasori treats you."

"So it's a test, yeah."

"Basically."

"Where'd you put the weed killer, yeah?"

"I have this safe. In it, I keep items that would let me defeat Itachi, Zetsu, and Sasori; I know how I could defeat you, Kisame, Hidan, and Kakuzu."

"What would defeat me, yeah?"

"Lack of miso. It isn't an object, but a concept. Basically, I would have to lock you in a room. Otherwise, you would find a way to attain it."

"What about Leader, yeah?"

"I haven't figured that out yet. If I had, that would be a dangerous question to ask."

"Yeah, I guess so, huh, yeah?"

"Heh. You're so weird, Deidara…"

"Why were you so mean to Zetsu, yeah?"

"He was being annoying, and I had been sent to watch over you. I mean, it's alright if they get addicted to MiracleGro, but prescription meds could one day destroy them. Besides, what's the point of taking care of one Akatsuki member if another is hurting themselves?"

"I guess you're right, yeah."

"I know I am. I'm planning on telling everyone that I'm a girl soon. You could tell if I took off my cloak. I mean, the casual oufit's so tight that you only wouldn't be able to tell if you were blind."

"Would you let me sleep please, yeah? I'm still tired, yeah."

"Sure." She vanished from sight, but Deidara couldn't tell because he had his eyes closed.

When he woke up, it was a little bit before dinner would normally have happened. He decided to join everyone else for dinner, so he sent Nameless out and put on casual Akatsuki clothes: capris, knee-length tabi socks, and a black shirt with netting at the top. He only wore his cloak to get miso because it was easy to put on and if the clasp at the top came undone, he could pretend that he was cosplaying as Hidan. However, they seldom dressed formally for dinner.

Deidara came into the kitchen and saw that Leader was joining them that night, so he went back down the hall to his room and put his cloak on. Then he brought himself back down the hall and sat at the table next to Sasori, which he would never have done given the option, but since this was formal (Leader was there) he didn't really have a choice.

"Deidara-san? What are you doing out here? I thought you weren't well."

"Well, I woke up in time for dinner, yeah, so I decided to join everyone, yeah."

The leader turned to Nameless then. No one ever expected him to hold a particularly long conversation without a reason. He got more information watching them interact amongst themselves.

"Nameless, do you know why Zetsu aren't here?"

"Zetsu are in their room under their heat lamp with a bucket of water trying to photosynthesize. They accidentally came into contact with some weed killer today."

"What about Hidan?"

"No idea. Something about some ritual…"

"How unfortunate. Well, I guess there's no reason to wait any longer for our meal, then, if Zetsu and Hidan don't plan to join us."

Kisame, who cooked for them because that ensured that they would never eat shark while he was around, brought in the food. Deidara, as much as he loved his miso, usually ate dinner with the rest of the Akatsuki so this made him feel better.

After dinner, the Akatsuki piled into the room with the TV. It seemed that they were two days into some soap opera. Deidara went and got a blanket and slippers, then went into the room with them. He shoved Sasori to the side. Hidan came soon, but his hands were completely bloody and he didn't have any bandages. For someone who wasn't very absorbed in his faith, Hidan certainly gave a lot to it.

Deidara became completely consumed by the soap opera. During the show, he managed to acquire a pillow. At one point, he was surprised, so he girly-screamed, dropped his pillow, and grabbed the nearest object. This happened to be Sasori.

There was a long pause.

"Oops, um, sorry, Sasori-danna, yeah. Didn't mean to do that, yeah. Guess I just got surprised, yeah.

Sasori stood up, towering over Deidara. "No!"

"Heh. I know, Sasori-dana, yeah. But, you were just the closest thing to me, yeah. If you were Hidan or Kisame, I still would have hugged you, yeah."

Of course, it wouldn't have been Hidan because Hidan had passed out earlier from blood loss and Nameless had come to drag him into his room, where she would bandage his wrists.

Was Nameless simply the vicious caretaker of the Akatsuki, loyal only to Leader?

Just as he was thinking about her, Nameless came into the room.

"Leader says to be quiet! He's trying to get some sleep."

Sasori, who didn't care anyway, announced that he was going to bed. Nameless noticed that Deidara was still up even though it was almost 11:00, so she grabbed his wrist and pulled him into his room, but he said he needed his pillow. So, she went back to get it.

She came back as he was taking off his shirt. When she came into the room, he blushed and pulled it down, and the very red Deidara managed to say the words, "Would you leave please, yeah? You have your own room, last I knew, yeah."

So she did leave, saying that she would probably be back by the time he woke up the next morning.

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Well, I typed this entire chapter while I was supposed to be doing homework… I have this project due in Social Studies on the Civil War, but frankly, I don't think that there's a way to present material about war to make it seem either fun or exciting. The Civil War was the bloodiest war in US history, and there are a bunch of historians in the video talking about how it defined America because we were fighting ourselves, but I don't care about that. People died in it, and I think that that's what matters.

Fortunately, though, I only have to do half of it because I'm working with a partner.

Earlier today, my bf came home from the DC trip. If you're reading this, it's probably way past today, but I was happy because he brought me some souvenirs and we went on a walk together.


	6. Chapter 6

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: The characters and appearances of most of the characters in my story belong to the author of Naruto.

Nothing really to write. Life is good.

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In the morning, Deidara woke up around nine and he felt relatively normal. He sat up and looked at Nameless. "Do you always have to go invisible, yeah?"

She turned visible. "Wha – why'd you wake me up, Deidara?"

"You were asleep, yeah?"

"Yeah. What, couldn't you see that my eyes were closed?"

"No, yeah. You were invisible, yeah."

"Oh. I guess I'm getting better… You look pretty good today, and that's not just a comment on how cute you are."

"I feel better today, too, yeah!"

"I'll go check on Zetsu. Then I'll go check on Hidan. He really did a number on himself last night."

"The passing out sort of tipped me off, yeah."

"Yeah, then he kept going back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness… he actually got mad at me for bandaging him up, said it was good and a little blood was good for showing Jashin that you're faithful to it."

"Hidan was never really all that smart, yeah."

"Yeah, then Zetsu wouldn't let me into his room. He had Tobi hold the door shut. Little brat isn't good for anything except mindless tasks. I mean, he never listens anyway…"

"Weren't you going to leave soon, yeah?"

"I should. I just like being in intelligent company with someone who doesn't hate me."

"That's always nice, yeah."

Sasori entered then.

"Deidara, who are you talking to?" Deidara noticed that Nameless had become invisible again.

"Um, no one, yeah."

"Ugh. Not only do I have to do all this for an idiot, he's also crazy. Why is it always the puppet that gets picked on?"

"Because you pretend not to have feelings, yeah."

"Well, I don't, but that doesn't mean it's particularly nice being your partner."

"I don't like being your partner, either, yeah. We just happen to compliment each other's styles, yeah."

So, Sasori gave Deidara his medicine, Deidara thanked him, and Nameless appeared again. "I've been thinking about telling everyone soon."

"Telling them what, yeah?"

"That I'm a girl."

"Does Leader know, yeah?"

"Oh, definitely. He's known since the beginning."

"How would you go about telling them, yeah?"

"Probably just go around without my cloak on."

The story will now follow Nameless until her life collides with Deidara's again.

She walked down the hall and down the stairs and knocked on the door of the room directly under Deidara's.

"Who is it?"

"Tobi, if you don't let me through this door, I'm going to tell Leader and you're never going to be a part of the Akatsuki because he's the one who sent me on this mission."

The door opened.

"Yes?" "What do you want?"

"I came to check on you."

"Thank you." "Well, you should after what you did yesterday."

"You're welcome. Are you better now?"

"Better, yes." "Are you kidding? We still have huge brown spots all over ourselves!"

"I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I had to do that to you, too, White-san. But, you see, that was Deidara's. And, I was sent by Leader to make sure that Deidara was okay. And MiracleGro is something that you can have, but I won't let you take Dei-san's prescription meds."

"Okay. I'll try harder to keep him from doing it again." "I was only trying it because we were trying to quit MiracleGro!"

"Whatever. I have to go check on Hidan."

She left the overly bright, overly hot, overly moist room and went instead to Hidan's.

Hidan's room had always freaked her out. It had not only an altar dedicated to Jashin, but also a large number of sacrificial knives and other instruments of torture.

Hidan wasn't awake, so she waited a couple minutes, then left.

She went to Leader's room. Because he also had to plan the Akatsuki strategies and keep track of all of the members, and because he was the leader, he got the entire attic.

She knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Nameless."

"Come in, Ritonno."

She opened the door and stepped inside.

"What do you have to report?"

"Deidara is doing considerably better, Zetsu is doing reasonably well considering the amount of weed killer I sprayed him with, and Hidan isn't awake yet."

"Does it ever seem to you that the Akatsuki has more than its share of crazy people?"

"Always."

"Do you have anything else to report?"

"No, but I have a request."

"A request?"

"Yes, Leader."

"What sort of request?"

"I would like permission to show my gender."

"You don't have to ask me for that. It's been your choice this entire time."

"Okay. I just wanted to make sure…"

"I couldn't care less. Do what you want. Just out of curiosity, though, is there anyone else who knows?"

"Deidara. He figured it out a few days ago. Despite appearances, he's actually very perceptive."

"You don't get into the Akatsuki if you aren't. Dismissed."

So she left, going to the lower landing and into her room, which was between Hidan's and Itachi's. She hung up her Akatsuki robe in her closet (sometimes she doubted that the other members even knew that they had closets from the looks of their rooms) and took her hair down. Then, to scare the other members further, she did her makeup. It matched her nails.

She went upstairs to make breakfast then. She had miso soup. She doubted that Deidara would have noticed. As it was, he was the first to come into the kitchen while she was there.

"Hey! You look good as a girl, yeah!"

"I know. Don't I?"

"It's really weird seeing you without your Akatsuki cloak, though, yeah. You always have it on, yeah."

Kisame came down the hall, intent on getting some sushi. He stopped, flabbergasted, at the sight of a woman in the Akatsuki. What was more, Deidara was conversing with her as though nothing was wrong. "Deidara, what are you doing with a woman?!"

"This is Nameless-kun, yeah."

"Nameless-san is a man, and he always wears his cloak!"

"I'm a woman! It's just that everyone except for Deidara and Leader were too closed-minded to see me as anything but a guy! …And I get cold easily."

"Oh… I am so confused now…"

"Just wait until everyone else sees me."

To prove her point, she walked down the hall (I think I'll follow her just a bit longer) towards Sasori's room. When she got there, she leaned in the doorway.

"Hey, Sasori! Recognize me?" Deidara and Kisame, who had crept along to listen, were right on the other side of the door.

"Um… should I?"

"Take a guess."

"I have no idea."

"I'm Nameless."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Yeah. You all thought I was some gay dude, but I was actually the only female Akatsuki member. Or wait…" She looked up for a moment, trying to remember times when she had seen the other Akatsuki members shirtless or partially so. "Yeah, I'm definitely the only woman in the Akatsuki."

"How did… does Leader know?"

"Yeah. He knew from the beginning. Deidara figured it out a couple days ago."

"DEIDARA!!!!!!!!!"

Deidara cracked up and went through the door, barely managing to say, "Yes, Sasori-danna, yeah?" through his laughter.

"Why didn't you tell me that Nameless-san is a woman?!"

"You didn't even notice she was in my room, yeah. She's actually been there for a few days, yeah."

"Ugh… stupid idiot."

"Not as much as you, yeah!"

"…"

Then, Nameless brought herself back into the conversation. "Would you mind keeping the secret? I want to tell people myself."

"Um… sure. I don't see why not…"

"Okay. Off to see Zetsu and Itachi, then."

She went downstairs and knocked on Zetsu's door. Tobi asked who it was and she said it was Nameless. He always opened the door looking down, but he noticed that she wasn't wearing her Akatsuki robe.

So he looked up at her face and was shocked at what he saw on the way up.

Zetsu turned around. Zetsu's face unsettled her a bit then because the white side was surprised and the black side was seemingly undisturbed.

"Oh! Nameless! You're a girl? You're beautiful!" "She's a woman. Now we don't have as much freedom as we used to." "Will you tell us your name, now that we know you're a girl?" "What's the point?"

"I'm Ritonno."

"That's a beautiful name." "No, it's not. It's just a name."

"I'm going to go tell Itachi."

"That's a great idea!" "What's the point? He'll figure it out anyway."

Itachi was awake. Without looking up, he said, "What do you want, Nameless?"

"I want you to look up."

He looked mildly surprised for only half a second. "I suppose you're going to want to tell me your name now, correct?"

"Um, yeah. My name is Ritonno."

"Hn."

She could tell that he would rather be reading his book, so she went to Kakuzu's room.

"Nameless, do you have any money?"

"My name is Ritonno."

"Huh?" She had known that only a bold statement like that would make him look up. When he did, he started staring at her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable, so she yelled at him and left. She knew that her image was on Itachi's sharingan, but if he wanted to look at her like that, he could at least be discreet about it by viewing it in private.

Then she went to Hidan's room, with the idols, knives, and instruments of torture. He was awake.

"Nameless? You're a woman?"

"Yup. How are you feeling this morning?"

"How dare you bind my sacrifice?! That blood was an offering to the great Jashin-sama!"

"Yeah, well, guess who had to clean it off the couch?"

"You shouldn't interfere in other people's religious ceremonies!"

"You cut your wrists and went into the TV room to watch a soap opera. That doesn't sound all that religious to me."

"You just don't understand."

"Listen, do you want me to rewrap your bandages or not?"

"I want you to take them off!"

"Ugh! You little ingrate! Here I'm carrying out Leader's wishes and you're complaining about me letting you live!"

"If I lived last night, it should have been a sign from Jashin-sama, not the acts of a fellow human!"

"Maybe the fact that there was someone there who wasn't entirely wrapped up in the soap opera and who cared enough to help you _was_ a sign from Jashin."

He considered this for a few seconds. Then he said, quite calmly, "Do with me as you will."

So, she redid his bandages and let him go back to sleep. She thought for a minute, trying to remember if she had forgotten to tell anyone. She couldn't think of anyone, so she went to her room and put on a black happicoat which she tied with an Akatsuki-style obi (this means that it was red with black clouds on it so that it showed up against her happicoat; this was designed by Pockles) and went upstairs to get the breakfast she had been waiting for.

Now, we go back to Deidara.

Ritonno-san went downstairs after she ate breakfast and came back up wearing a black happicoat with an Akatsuki-style obi with a nice bow in the back. No longer being very sick, he no longer needed to sweat his fever off (it had sunk to practically nothing) so he asked her to help him fold the blankets. She did because she didn't have anything better to do, and he put them back in the hall closet.

That night, as they watched the soap opera, there was an air of discomfort among everyone except for Deidara, who, as I said earlier, became entirely absorbed in the plot, and Zetsu, who were still in their room trying to create enough plant tissue that the places where they had been sprayed would be green again.

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I typed this chapter while I was supposed to do my homework, too. It's almost twice as long as the others, but again, the length of the chapters isn't pre-determined, and if you compare it to the chapters in my other stories, it's actually really short. (Six pages as opposed to fourteen or fifteen, or even one story that was 28 pages). I feel very proud of myself because I made up a name that sounds, at least to Western ears, Japanese! If Ritonno is a Japanese word, then please tell me.

Hooray for Pocky and Japan Town, and especially Ichiban-kan, which is a store in Japan Town that sells all sorts of cheap Japanese stuff for practically nothing, and is amusing and kawaii. Plus, you can get all sorts of stuff (including Pocky – we got Men's Pocky, Strawberry Pocky, and Almond Crunch Pocky) for not-all-that-much.


	7. Chapter 7

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 7

…So, I just finished dinner (my sister and dad are gone, so we had crepes and watched an opera from over twenty years ago called _The Abduction of Figaro, _which is basically a parody of absolutely everything. My mom had it on tape) and now I'm on YouTube listening to Fallout Boy's "This Ain't a Scene it's an Arms Race", which my sister owns on a CD, but she's in Georgia at the world Robotics competition, using her Katamari Damacy skills to control her team's robot. (actually, she wouldn't be doing that right now; because of the three-hour time difference, it would be 11:20 over there right now) She's sleeping in the same room as her math teacher because everyone else from her school who went on the trip are guys. She's going to have some strange stories to tell when she comes back.

It sort of seems like everyone in this thing is either sick or injured.

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After the soap opera, Deidara went to bed. He woke up around 7:20, which proved that he was pretty much better. Basically, his fever had spiked for awhile, then wore itself out and left, leaving Deidara feeling wonderful.

When he woke up, he also had the strange (at that point, it was strange) sensation of knowing that there was no one else in his room.

At breakfast, he remembered that the next day was Christmas, so he reached his left hand into his clay pouch. It chewed for awhile, then he pulsed his hand four times, shaping the clay with his mouth and fingers, and three perfect clay birds were produced.

"I can do it, yeah!" He screamed, waking up everyone in the house. Intent on making more birds after a long period of being unable to make anything at all, he didn't notice Leader sneaking up behind him until there was a knife under his throat.

"Do that again, and I'll cut you in two."

However, Deidara's mind worked best when he was under stress. He had a bird fly to the top of the leader's head.

"If I say, 'katsu' and do the hand sign, your head will blow up, yeah. I think we're sort of at a stalemate, yeah."

"No, I knocked it out of the air and used telepathy to make you think it was still there."

"Wow, yeah! Could you teach me to do that, yeah?"

Leader bent down and tossed Deidara's bird back to him. "If I taught you everything, you would be able to defeat me."

"…But, everyone knows what I do, yeah. If that theory worked, then wouldn't I be dead right now, yeah?"

"No. You, combined with Sasori, are nearly unbeatable. No one inside of the Akatsuki wants to kill you."

"I'm glad of that, yeah."

Deidara spent the rest of the morning making clay birds, which he then put in a cardboard box for safekeeping. Since his clay pouch was too small to supply the amount of powdered clay it took to do his yearly Christmas celebration, he took the larger bag (imagine the kind of bag that wood shavings come in when you buy the really big ones. If you don't have rodents, imagine something about the size of a hay bale) out of his closet; he also took the opportunity to refill his clay pouch. He sat on the floor in the light from the window with his legs spread apart, much like a small child would sit. By lunchtime, he was almost done. He could have been done earlier, but he wasn't in any rush. It was the Christmas season.

After awhile, he became aware that Ritonno was watching him.

"Why are you watching me, yeah?"

"Because you look like a cute little kid when you sit like that and play with your clay."

"You're cynical, yeah."

"Do you want any help?"

"No, I'm almost done, yeah. I only have a few more to make."

"Why are you making so many? Is this some kind of backup supply?"

"No, yeah. These are for Christmas, yeah. It's tomorrow, yeah."

"Oh. I'd completely forgotten. I guess I don't have anyone to celebrate it with anymore…"

"Usually, Sasori, Itachi, Hidan, Leader, and Kakuzu ignore it, Zetsu pretend to be mistletoe, Tobi tries to get them off the kitchen ceiling, Kisame combines fish and alcohol and gets wasted, and I blow up a Christmas tree and takes pictures with my scope, yeah."

"So that's what the birds are for?"

"Yeah, yeah! Then I send out the pictures in my Christmas cards, yeah!"

"You send out Christmas cards…?"

"Yeah, yeah! I send them to the people I don't kill because it's Christmas, yeah!"

"That's… interesting."

"It's fun, yeah! Would you like to come along, yeah?"

"If I can. Where are you going to do it?"

"Probably the Grass Village this year, yeah. I haven't done them in awhile, yeah. I do it at midnight, so you should at least wear your Akatsuki cloak and hat, yeah. You might want some extra stuff, too, though, yeah. I wear a jacket, yeah."

"Oh. That's nice."

"Oh! I should take my medicine, yeah! Forgot to do that earlier, yeah."

It was actually funny watching him pour the medicine with one hand, put the bottle down, and devour it with the same hand. Then, he went to get lunch (you know what he had) and spent the next few hours drawing, talking to people, and doing generic things.

The next day, of course, was technically a "holiday," so they all repainted their nails that afternoon before dinner. They each applied their own base coat, then they paired up to do each other's fingers and toes, except for Zetsu because he only had toes. Tobi always did his, but he still had to come up to the middle level (the level of the house between the bottom floor and the attic) because it was an event for the full Akatsuki to attend. Everyone except for Hidan was there, actually, because Ritonno had declared him bedridden, meaning that she had tied his ankles together so that he couldn't sit or stand up without a great deal of trouble. She and Deidara did each other's nails. Sasori, because he was (technically) mechanical, was very good at painting people's nails, but he hated Deidara. Itachi was good at finding missed patches because of his perpetual sharingan, but he and Kisame were friends. No one wanted to be paired with Leader because, although it was an honor, he never did very well and no one was brave enough to point it out. He was paired with Kakuzu, who always started to think about money, forgot about what he was doing, messed it up, and got yelled at.

Then they all did their own topcoat and Kisame went into the kitchen to start dinner. Deidara noticed that Ritonno, although she had no special abilities to help her, had done as good of a job as Sasori or Itachi could have done.

They had sushi for dinner that night, one of Kisame's favorites. Then, as always, they all piled into the TV room to watch soap operas and whatever else came on afterwards. Deidara went to bed earlier than the rest, but first he asked Ritonno if she wanted to come with him to the Grass village the next day. She said yeah, when would they have to leave? He said, since they were traveling by bird, eight at night would probably work.

So Deidara went to bed. In the morning he woke up, had miso, checked his birds and his clay pouch, made two more birds, had some more miso, watched Tobi trying to get Zetsu off the kitchen ceiling, ate dinner with the Akatsuki, made two of his birds bigger, and set off with Ritonno.

Ritonno commented on how beautiful the world was when viewed from high above. Deidara was too busy concentrating to listen, though, because he had to make all of his birds (except for a few that he and Ritonno were carrying) fly in the same direction. When you're flying on a clay bird, you have to travel light.

Also, he was uncomfortable because the string on his hat was pulling at his neck.

Outside of the Grass village, Deidara packed his birds up again, then they went to the town square (they killed the guards on the outer wall and stole their headbands, then took off their Akatsuki hats and cloaks in the hopes of blending in), where he opened the box, had his birds fly out, positioned them all around the tree, then left.

Then, it was only a matter of time before midnight, when the tree would be blown up.

Deidara spent his time trying to find the best position to get his pictures from. To accomplish this, he used his larger bird to get onto the rooftops, then sat and waited.

When the position of the moon said that it was midnight, he made a symbol with his hands and murmured, "Katsu, yeah." Then he brought his hand to his scope to get as many pictures as possible of the explosion. It really was beautiful.

It also proved that art didn't have to last forever to be art.

Then he and Ritonno got out while the city was in confusion and they were back at Headquarters by two o'clock. The return trip was always shorter because they weren't carrying anything, making it easier for the larger birds to fly. Then Deidara had his miso and they both went to sleep.

In the morning, Deidara took out his photo processing equipment, which he only used a few times a year, and decided which were the best pictures, erasing the ones he didn't need. Then he printed out several copies to send to the mayor of the Grass Village and a few of the citizens. Then he wrote out his Christmas cards and sent them.

The day after Christmas was almost as good as the actual holiday.

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…Yeah. It had been mentioned that it was almost Christmas, so I made it Christmas. Besides Buddhism and Shinto, Japan is technically a Christian country. This is because the ruling shogun (around the time the Portuguese came) wanted to fight wars and use guns, but Buddhism wouldn't let him, so he converted the country to Christianity. Because we all know how much Jesus loved violence…

Zetsu pretending to be mistletoe was originally Pockles' idea, but I improved on it by adding Tobi. In case anyone wondered why Hidan didn't use Christmas as an excuse to torture people, that was what he did a few days before as his offering to Jashin.


	8. Chapter 8

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 8

…Well, believe it or not, I'm running out of ideas. I would have liked to write about Kisame's drunkenness (when handled correctly, it can be hilarious; otherwise, it's just sort of dumb) but Deidara was gone on Christmas and I'm sure that any hangover that you get from a combination of fish AND alcohol (this means they're mixed together, not that he had sushi then sake, more like he mixed fish into his alcoholic beverage, most likely sake, and drank that) would give anyone a horrible hangover.

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Deidara woke up the day after the day after Christmas to find that things had improved even from the day after Christmas. Zetsu, although they still had a few patches, were obviously less dependent of MiracleGro than they had been before. Nameless was in good spirits, so Deidara didn't have to be afraid of her. Hidan was… well, Hidan was Hidan. Couldn't do anything about that. Kakuzu spent most of the morning in his room counting his money, then went out to be a highwayman to get even more. Kisame didn't have a hangover like he had the day before. Itachi tripped on his cloak and became the laughingstock of the entire Akatsuki for the day. Leader was secluded, so they didn't get any missions that day. Even Sasori developed a migraine, so Deidara didn't have to interact with him at all for part of the morning and after lunch.

Unfortunately for Deidara, however, Sasori became extremely irritable when he had a "malfunction" of any kind, so when Deidara tried to go into his room to annoy him, he almost got shredded up.

Thus, he resorted to drawing in his room. He made comics about all of the Akatsuki members, including group pictures that even made fun of himself.

When he ran out of ideas, he went to Itachi's room, laughed at him, and almost got beat up, then to talk to Ritonno, who, while fully sane, was still relatively interesting. He still didn't understand why the entire Akatsuki except for himself and Leader were so freaked out by her being a girl.

"Hey, yeah. What'cha doing, yeah?"

"Eh. Nothing, really. It's snowing. Look. Isn't it pretty?"

"Yeah, yeah. Makes me want to make a big pile of snow and blow it up, yeah."

"…No, I mean, isn't it pretty on its own?"

"I guess so, yeah. Not very exciting though, yeah."

"Well, I don't really need excitement. I mean, sometimes I do, but then sometimes I don't. And the Akatsuki needs to stock up on some good fiction. I mean, Itachi's books are fine for guys, I guess, but they're degrading for girls."

"What does Itachi read, yeah?"

"He reads a modern series called Icha Icha Paradise, a collection of perverted subplots which somehow make up a main plot. Written by a guy named Jiraya. Very popular among perverted men. Not very interesting to women."

"I… didn't know he was like that, yeah."

"Yeah. Fortunately, because I'm stronger than him, I don't have to worry about anything direct. He's got me on his Sharingan, but if he says anything to me, he's going to get it _bad…_

Deidara was getting scared, even though Ritonno still had the wistful tone of voice she had used earlier and she was staring out the window exactly the way she had been then, with her knees hugged to her chest, looking out on the world.

"You're scary when you're like that, yeah."

"Aww, don't be scared. Dei-chan. You would only have to be scared if you were Itachi."

"You're good at being scary, yeah." It wasn't that he was saying this in a cowering, fearful way; at this point, it was a compliment.

"Well, I did murder my entire clan so that I could help take over the world… Just think, Deidara. We could be co-rulers of the world someday."

"We will be, yeah!"

"Well, hopefully. I mean, there are a lot of people who want to kill us, so we could get knocked off at any point."

"I don't like to think about that, yeah. The only person I don't want to be an Akatsuki member when that happens is Sasori, yeah."

"…But you're his partner."

"Doesn't mean I can't hate his guts, yeah."

"Well, you could change your opinion. People change, Deidara. We're always changing. Everything we do and everything that happens around us affects who we become."

"What do you fight with, anyway, yeah?"

"Nothing in particular. I mean, I have some throwing knives, but mostly I use my invisibility to find my opponent's weakness. That's why Leader thought I would work best without a partner: it's actually worse for me if I have someone else to think about."

"Is that also why you hardly ever get assigned to missions, yeah?"

"Yeah. Also, I'm more agile than any of the other Akatsuki members. If you ever want to spar with me sometime, you'll find out that I really am the elite."

"Why not now, yeah? I'll just borrow Tobi and get him to shovel the backyard, yeah."

"Sure."

So, Deidara went to Zetsu's room, which was much too hot and damp for his liking. "Hey, Zetsu-kun, yeah. Can I borrow Tobi for awhile, yeah?"

"Wha –"

"Go ahead. It's not like he's doing anything useful." "Just try not to hurt him, okay? That would be nice."

"Okay. Thanks, Zetsu-san! C'mon, Tobi."

"Wha – Zetsu?! You're giving me up to a freak with mouths on his hands?!"

"Tobi, you shouldn't insult people like that." "Tobi, you little freak who won't show either his face or his past clan! Go with Deidara!"

"Thank you, Zetsu-san." He pulled Tobi by the hair to get him into the backyard. Then he got a snow shovel, shoved it into Tobi's hands, and said, "Shovel the backyard, yeah. Put everything in that corner over there, yeah."

"What?!"

"Assistants should be helpful, yeah. Do the deck first, yeah. If you take too long, we can just do that, yeah. But, you're going to shovel this entire yard before you eat or sleep, so I suggest you – HEY, YEAH! LISTEN TO ME, YEAH!" Tobi had fallen asleep over his shovel.

"Wha?"

"Don't fall asleep when your superior is talking to you, yeah. Shovel the deck first, then the yard, yeah. You won't eat or sleep until you're done, yeah. Start now, yeah!"

Although Tobi was lazy, he enjoyed being lazy so he shoveled the yard surprisingly quickly. Deidara and Ritonno were able to spar within the next two hours.

First, they agreed on the rules: since it didn't help her against Deidara anyway, Ritonno couldn't go invisible. She couldn't throw anything at a place that would hurt him unless it was dull enough to make it impermanent (impermanent meaning that he would get over it that day) and she couldn't hurt him too badly (this means that he had to be able to stand up at the end of the match).

Deidara's rules were different. He mixed a small amount of his clay with a large amount of sawdust; it wouldn't blow up nearly as well. The same rules applied for physical attacks as applied for Ritonno.

Finally, they were ready to start. Kisame acted as the moderator. Deidara soon found out that it was tiresome simply trying to dodge Ritonno's attacks. When he finally made a bird, she threw a knife at it, letting it fall clean out of the air. Deidara ran away. "I think this is when I give up and let you kill me, yeah!"

Ritonno jumped off the fence (she had gone up there to get a better knife-throwing angle) and did a series of roundoffs (like cartwheels, but way more awesome), ending directly in front of Deidara.

"Hah! You're dead!" She skipped inside.

"I will never understand her, yeah…"

He and Kisame went inside.

Deidara went to Ritonno's room in the hopes of finding out at least one of her secrets or techniques.

"Whoa! Your room is _clean,_ yeah!"

"Yeah, I have all my clothes in my closet. Closets are something that no one else in this organization seems to understand. They're like little rooms that you can put all your clothes and shoes and stuff in so that they don't hang all over the furniture."

"I know what they are, yeah. I just choose not to use mine, yeah."

"…And then I have my chest, where I store other things of interest, and which has most of my makeup on top – I can be really girly if I want to. It's funny – and the rest in this shelf. Over here is my bedside table where I store things that currently interest me."

"Wow, yeah. Haven't seen organization like that since I killed my clan, yeah."

"Not with this group, you wouldn't."

"Hey, would you teach me something, yeah?"

"Like what?"

"Like one of your techniques, yeah. I was thinking, maybe invisibility, yeah."

"No. You wouldn't be able to learn it."

"Why not, yeah?"

"Well, considering that you're starting out, you're too… content."

"Content, yeah?"

"Yeah. My parents were horrible, so I always wanted to just blend into the background and just disappear for awhile. When I figured out that I was literally doing it, I would practice in my room. I'm fine now, of course, but since I'm experienced, it's also easier to do."

"Awesome, yeah!"

"What, that I had such a horrible life that I learned to disappear?"

"No, yeah. That you got happy again."

"Heh. You're such a little kid, Dei-chan." She would have ruffled his hair, but that was hard to do when he had it up.

"Will you help me bug Sasori, yeah?"

"What?"

"Well, he has a migraine, yeah, so he tries to kill me if I even open his door, yeah. But he can't sense you, yeah."

"I wouldn't – has he taken anything for it?"

"Huh, yeah?"

"Wait, the Akatsuki is so secluded that you've never even heard of headache medicine?"

"They have medicine for them now, yeah?"

"Of course! Here, I'll get some…" She started searching in the corner of one of the shelves in her chest of drawers, the one where she kept over-the-counter medicines and painkillers of many types.

"No! Don't yeah! It's been a wonderful day, yeah! Wouldn't want to spoil it!"

"Deidara, have some compassion!"

"It's not my job to have compassion, yeah. I hate Sasori, yeah."

She now turned invisible, basically meaning that she didn't want to talk to him, and went up the stairs.

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For those of you who are wondering, unless there's some horrible turn of events that scars Deidara for life, he's never going to learn to be invisible. I think that Ritonno is an incredibly strong person because, even though she has something linking her to that time, she still manages to be entirely functional. I mean, she's a serial killer of course, but as far as Akatsuki members go, she's… well… sane.

My sister came back from Georgia yesterday with tons of funny stories. For example:

In Georgia, there's a fast food restaurant called the Varsity which sports extremely cheap fast food. She only ordered hot chocolate, but that was only a packet of powdered hot chocolate, a cup of hot water, and a stir stick. However, one of her teammates (all of her teammates were guys, or most of this wouldn't have happened; the only other female on the trip was her math teacher)

When the members of the champion team (who were all guys because this is a robotics competition, but apparently they were cute, at least in comparison to everyone else there) hugged, she laughed and her teammate (who is a guy) said that he knew what she wasn't thinking about, and that was yaoi. But, of course, yaoi _was_ what she was thinking about.

At the train station, after you left the bathrooms a machine sprayed the room. Instead of just waiting for the train, one of the people on her team (remember, these things wouldn't have happened if they were all girls) wondered, if you opened the door but stayed inside, would the machine spray you? …So, he went inside and came out with his hair wet, but it turned out that he was just faking it.

There were only ten cute guys that she counted at the entire Robotics competition, but more girls than we would have expected.

Also, yesterday (Saturday, April 14) I was an extra in an independent film of Mark Twain's "The War Prayer." There were ton's of cute guys. My mom and I were in Bishieland! The director, the guy who did the clicky thing ("camera AB, scene 5, take 2…), most of the guys on the camera crew, the singer (it was a church scene, and modern churches have modern songs), and all of the guys pretending to be soldiers (all of them!) were cute. There were more good-looking guys in the room than I would have thought possible! (sorry if you're reading this, boyfriend-chan, but this is something most girls think about, just as most guys think about cute girls. Even my mom was talking about how cute these people were. Maybe you'll get more normal some day…) I find this hilarious when I compare it to my sister's ten cute guys in two days of searching through a large quantity of people. "The War Prayer" should be on YouTube soon. It was so low-budget that they didn't even provide us with lunch, but everyone there truly cared about ending the war. When I get the DVD, I'm going to get all my friends to come to my house and watch it because it's such a powerful story and it could change anyone's mind about war.


	9. Chapter 9

Deidara's Troubles

Chapter 9

By Magewriter

Disclaimer, nothing from Naruto belongs to me except for Ritonno's character in this story. Who knows if he/she will be anything like that in the series? Sometimes it takes a non-narutard to develop undeveloped or underdeveloped characters.

My problem is that I always burn myself out at the end of the chapters so I never have anything to write at the beginnings unless I have to go to bed after I finish the chapter.

This chapter will start out from the point of view of Ritonno, with her miraculous headache medicine.

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She crept silently up the stairs, still invisible, and entered Sasori's room. He had his hands on his head and his eyes screwed shut, and he was obviously in pain, so he didn't notice that his door moved.

She turned visible, pretending to inspect the packaging on the headache pills. "I wonder if these would work on a puppet?"

"Deidara, I told you to get out of my room!" With his hands over his ears and his eyes closed, he apparently didn't recognize her and thought her Deidara, back to annoy him. He attacked her once, but then another wave of the migraine came on.

"You know, if you have migraines for this long, it's actually a medical problem. And here I had wanted to help you…"

His eyes were open now and he knew that it wasn't Deidara. "Can you?"

"Well, I have medicine for you. But, since you're a puppet…"

"No! It's worth trying!"

"Okay. I guess it can't really hurt to medicate a puppet…" She got him a glass of water and gave him one of the pills. "It should start working over the next twenty minutes."

"Okay…"

She left, going back to her room, where she knew that Deidara was waiting. The perspective is now Deidara's.

"I gave it to him. Sometimes you just have to have a little human compassion, y'know?"

"He's not a human, yeah."

"Well, he was in pain. As long as we're supposed to be allied, I figure it can't be that bad."

"You're going to make us all soft one of these days, you know that, yeah?"

"No I won't. You've just all been so uncivilized until now that you think I'm soft because I have compassion."

"Whatever, yeah. I'm going to go do stuff in my room, yeah."

…But first, he went to Itachi's room.

"Itachi? What's Icha Icha Paradise, yeah?"

"You're too young for it."

"According to Ritonno-kun, you read it, yeah."

"I was referring to your mental age."

"If you let me read it, I won't laugh at you today for tripping on your coat, yeah."

Itachi considered for a second, then handed the book over. "Hn."

Deidara never got past the first page. "Ew, yeah! How can you read this, yeah?! It's disturbing, yeah!"

"I told you you're too young for it."

"You're disgusting, yeah!"

"I can't help it if I have mature taste in books. Do you have any pictures of Ritonno on that scope of yours?"

"Yeah, yeah! …But the rest of the Akatsuki's in it, too, yeah."

"No, I mean, any _good_ pictures."

"It _is_ a good picture, yeah! She looks great in it, yeah!"

"No, I mean – never mind…"

"You mean, perverted pictures, yeah?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. I don't have any of those, yeah. I'm not you, yeah." Then he left for his room. "Ritonno, stop following me, yeah."

"How do you do that? I mean, Leader I can understand because he's so powerful, but… half the time, you act like a little kid, but you're one of two people who can sense me!"

"I don't know, yeah. I just can, yeah. Maybe it's because I have to control my birds, so I'm good at sensing things, yeah."

"I guess… But that doesn't explain why none of the other members can."

"Well, I'm used to sensing other consciousnesses, yeah, but the birds aren't alive so they don't have wills, yeah. I couldn't manipulate you, but I can tell when you're around me, yeah. None of the other members do anything like that, yeah."

"Mmh. I guess you're right."

"I know I am, yeah!"

"Heh… even if you _are_ too young for me, you're still adorable!"

"Why, yeah? How old are you, yeah?"

"Sixteen."

"I'm older than you, yeah! I'm seventeen!"

Remember when Itachi was talking about mental age?"

Deidara blushed. She knew that he had wanted to read Icha Icha Paradise! "You heard, yeah?"

"Well, this _is_ a traditional-style house. It's not that hard to hear through paper."

"Oh. Yeah, huh, yeah?"

"Yeah. But, you see, your mental age is… well, relatively young. Because of my experiences, I had to grow up when I was very young, and I became a full ninja at fourteen."

"That's awesome, yeah!"

"Mm-hm. So, I think of you as a cute little kid because you act like one, and I've tricked almost everyone here into thinking I'm an adult."

"I thought you were eighteen, yeah."

"Exactly."

"Okay, yeah. I get it now, yeah."

"And well you should. Are you getting hungry?"

"Not really, yeah."

"I am. I'm going to start dinner."

"But Kisame usually cooks, yeah."

"Well, if Kisame doesn't start cooking soon, then I'm going to." She waited for a few seconds. "Okay. I'm going to cook dinner."

She put on a pot of rice, then made some amazing stir-fry. By the time she was done, everyone had been drawn out of their rooms by the smell and were assembled around the table, including Leader, so then everyone had to leave to get their cloaks on because, when Leader joined them at anything (except for nail-painting), it was formal.

Everyone (except for Kisame) agreed that Ritonno's cooking was good because it was nice to not eat fish every once-in-awhile, but after Zetsu noticed that it was vegetarian, they, Kisame, Hidan, and Leader stopped eating it. Deidara figured that he had liked it before he knew it was vegetarian, and now that he realized that it was, that didn't change the flavor.

Ritonno being a girl was definitely changing things.

Since Leader had left after his declaration that he "wasn't hungry anymore," Zetsu, Hidan, and Kisame went to the cupboard to get the bag of beef jerky that they kept there. Ritonno got mad because they had liked her cooking before, but that didn't change their minds. They said that just because everyone else liked "girly food," that didn't mean that they had to eat it.

This put Ritonno into demonic mode, so Deidara slipped away, carrying his plate and his chopsticks.

Soon, he heard screams, paper ripping, and three thuds. It did not bode well for any of those three.

He heard Ritonno running, shuffling through her chest, and running down the hall. He heard Zetsu scream. It really was a shame, since he had just recently gotten over his last encounter with weed killer.

As Zetsu writhed on the ground, Ritonno locked Kisame in the gardening shed and Hidan in the garage. Then she left.

She came back ten minutes later with a grocery bag and, down the hall, he could smell some very well-made shark's fin soup.

This did not bode well for Kisame.

Now, Deidara wondered what Ritonno would do with Hidan.

Zetsu had come back into the house with brown, shriveled spots. Tobi met him outside of his room. Kisame, when he came inside, rinsed out his mouth with a glass of water, then retired to his room, which was next to Deidara's.

The next morning, Deidara saw Ritonno carrying food downstairs.

"Why are you doing that, yeah? You just ate breakfast."

"Well, I have to feed Hidan. I cleared out the garden shed and hid his best statue of Jashin."

"That's mean, yeah!"

"If you want to avoid miso deprivation, here's a hint: don't call me girly or weak."

"But you are girly, yeah. Anything you do is girly, because even though it doesn't fit the stereotype, you are a girl, yeah."

"Well, yeah. Duh. But, they used it as an insult. …So, I sprayed Zetsu again, made Kisame eat shark's fin soup, and now I've locked Hidan in the shed. He can't make any offerings to Jashin because he doesn't even have a ceremonial knife!"

"You're getting way too much pleasure out of this, yeah."

"I know. You wouldn't realize it from talking to me, but when I want revenge, I _really_ want it."

They had finally arrived at the gardening shed, with everything that had earlier been inside of it stacked outside.

"Hello, Hidan! I came to feed you."

"Give me my statue of Jashin-sama!"

"No."

"This is sacrilege, Ritonno! I need to pray to it every day!"

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you insulted me."

"Please! I'm begging you!" Hidan was on his knees, something Deidara had never before seen him reduced to.

"No. Now do you want food or not?"

Hidan sat down, no longer groveling. "What does it matter? Jashin-sama will strike me down within the week, you wait and see! When I die, it's going to be all your fault!"

"Whatever. Listen, I'm going to leave this stuff here, okay? Eat it when you stop being emo." She put the plate and chopsticks on the floor next to the crumbling Hidan, then shut the door.

Deidara could tell that Hidan was truly miserable.

"Why don't you just let him out, yeah? You're torturing him!"

"Because then he would forget it. I'll let him out tomorrow morning, anyway. If I persist, then he'll always remember the day I didn't let him pray to Jashin-sama."

"But this is cruel and unusual, yeah!"

"I know. But, he's never going to annoy me again. Isn't it wonderful?"

"Mmh." Deidara didn't agree, but he had to admit that, if anyone knew how to punish people, it was Ritonno.

"Exactly. I'm going to go talk to Kisame."

"Why talk to him, yeah? I don't think he wants to listen to you, yeah."

"To make sure that he knows what he did wrong."

"Okay, yeah. I think I'll stay away from my room, yeah."

Now Kisame's perspective. Sorry I'm doing this so much.

His door opened. "Show yourself, devil-woman."

"Now, is that how you address me after last night?"

-glare-

"I just wanted to make sure that you knew why I did that."

"Because I called you girly."

"No, I explained this to Deidara earlier and he said that I was girly and I didn't care. I got mad at you because you insulted me with a stereotype."

"At least fish is healthy."

"So are vegetables!"

"Yes, but not without any meat!"

"Ugh!" Then she started mumbling to herself. "Stupid men, don't know what they're supposed to eat…"

"I know I'm not supposed to eat sharks! You made me a cannibal last night!"

"Eh. Sort of. Serves you right. I mean, you kill plenty of humans and I don't discriminate against you. Zetsu eats people, but that doesn't mean he's a bad person."

-glare-

"Well, I'm off to check on Zetsu. Isn't it funny? I mean, they close up when they're in pain, but that just means that I don't have to look out for their human selves, which would be permanently damaged by the weed killer.

The devil-woman left his room and skipped to Zetsu's room.

The story will now be from Zetsu's point of view. I really am sorry…

There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" "Let her in." "No! Don't let that demon into our room!" "I think it would be best to know what she has to say. Go ahead, Tobi." Tobi moved to open the door. "No! Don't do it! Who knows what she's going to do this time?"

"What do you want me to do? Shouldn't I just ask who it is?"

"Mmh." "Yes, you probably should."

"Okay. Who is it?"

"Deidara, yeah!"

"Let him come in." "Guess it can't hurt."

Tobi began to open the door, then it was pushed even farther by Ritonno, who stepped so far into the room that Tobi wouldn't be able to get her out. "Did you like my Deidara impression? I'm thinking of adding that to my skills: pretending to be someone else."

"Go away, human." "Yes. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to establish why I sprayed you this time."

"Because he insulted you?" "You're the one who refused to eat only plants." "Yes, but I had wanted to be diplomatic about it." "Well, you can't blame it entirely on me…"

"Zetsu, calm down! Perhaps it was both of your faults. I'm sorry that I keep doing this to you, Tobi, but a lot of the Akatsuki members are uncivilized and rude, even to their superiors, and they need to learn their place. Now, White-san, was any of this your fault?"

"Yes. I didn't want to eat only plant matter. But I –"

"Black-san. Was any of this your fault?"

"I made the statement that you were girly…"

"So it's settled. There we go. And it looks like I got you both about equally, so there shouldn't be any arguments about me going soft on anyone… is there anything you want to ask me?"

"What are you doing to Hidan?"

"I'm keeping him locked up in the shed. Don't worry, though – I'm feeing him."

"Good. Wouldn't want another member gone." "…But what about his worship?!"

She smiled. "Why do you think I have him locked up?"

"That's horrible! The things he's going to do when he gets out… you should watch yourself for a few days."

"I will. Is that all?"

"Yeah, I guess so." "Yes, it is."

"Okay, then I'll let you… uh… photosynthesize." She left.

Now we go back to Deidara.

There had been something bugging him for awhile. So, he found Ritonno.

"Ritonno-chan, yeah?"

"Yeah? Whuzzup?"

"If Hidan isn't that devoted to his religion, how is it that other people followed it once and there are still people left in the world, yeah?"

"Well, all the people he kills would have been murdered at community gatherings. So, the number of sacrifices he makes is the same as would have been offered by a large community of worshippers, or maybe a few less. And, women were exempt from offering their blood constantly because of certain things that happen to us regularly."

"Somehow, I don't think I want to know, yeah."

"You don't. It's worse than Icha Icha Paradise."

"Ew, yeah! Don't talk about disgusting things like that, yeah!"

They heard, through the wall, "Who says it's disgusting?"

"Most of the human race!" Ritonno yelled. Then she took a large basket of clothes out of her closet, balanced the rim on her hip, and began to walk away.

"What are you doing, yeah?"

"I'm going to do my laundry while all the snow's piled up in that one corner."

"Why, yeah?"

"What, don't Akatsuki members normally wash their clothes?"

"Yeah, yeah! …Well, usually just after missions…"

"Ew! That's disgusting!"

"That's the organization that's partway to taking over the world, yeah."

"Doesn't mean it's not disgusting…" Deidara followed her and they talked about stuff.

"I hate doing laundry, yeah."

"I do, too."

"Then why do you do it when you don't need to, yeah?"

"Because, even if I can't see it or feel it, my clothes are dirty."

"But who cares if you can't tell, yeah?"

"I do! I don't want to wear filthy clothes just because no one else can tell!"

"I've been wearing this shirt for three days, yeah. And before I was sick, I'd worn it for seven, yeah! That's the longest time I've ever gone without a mission, yeah!"

"That's disgusting! Do I need to make some sort of chart to tell everyone what to do so that they don't wallow in filth and inhumanity?"

"We've been fine so far, yeah."

"Ugh… And when I wear a shirt for four days, I consider it filthy…"

"Just because we're different doesn't mean our way of life is bad, yeah."

"In this case, I think it actually does."

"Whatever, yeah. Kisame's wallowing in disgustedness, so you should probably cook again tonight, yeah. But, if you care for the other members, please put in some meat of some kind, yeah."

"See, this is what I love about you! You just accepted that what I had cooked didn't have meat, but that it smelled and tasted good so it must be fine. Then there's Zetsu, where White-san didn't want to eat just vegetables and Black-san couldn't put that nicely. And then there's those other two, who just don't like my cooking."

"They liked it up until they found out it was vegetarian, yeah."

"I know. It's like I can't make something everyone likes."

"Who could eat just vegetables every single day, yeah?"

She looked at him, almost challenging him to make another statement about vegetarians.

"I can."

"Oh. Hehe… I'm sorry, yeah. It's just, you would think that someone in an evil organization would like meat, yeah."

"I don't believe in things living for the sole purpose of dying. When I hurt someone, I like it to be their fault, not just their bad luck."

"That's really noble, yeah."

"Well, remember that it's coming from a girl who murdered her entire clan at 16 and joined an organization bend on ruling the world."

"Why'd you do that, yeah?"

"I'm not telling anyone why I joined until we've conquered the world. Not even Leader knows."

"Oh. Sorry for asking, then, yeah."

"It's okay, Dei-chan. You couldn't have known. Now, let's start dinner."

"What are you going to make, yeah?"

"I don't know. I'm going to see what we have in the fridge."

"Miso, yeah!"

"Yes, I know that we have miso. We have sixteen packages of miso mix sitting in the cupboard which is dedicated to miso because you're nearly addicted to it."

"It's good stuff, yeah."

"Yup. I mean, you lived off it for a few days there. I tried some of it yesterday. What brand do you buy?"

"Whatever the store has, yeah. I never look at the packaging long enough to see what the company's called, yeah."

I think the chapter should end here. Sorry, but this was getting way longer than all the other chapters.

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Sorry about that. I'm just running out of ideas. You know, this fanfic could literally go on forever. Since I've been getting so detailed about events and switching perspectives (even though I always try to keep going into the future) this could go on forever. I'm thinking of ending it soon, though. Not as much is getting accomplished in as much space (I think that's why the chapters are getting so long) and I have absolutely no ideas. Now that break is over (it's the sixteenth of April, 2007, as I'm writing this) I'll probably find something in school that will inspire me beyond belief and the chapters will get short again (although that part's doubtful) and I'll type out about five chapters in like two days. This stuff works in weird ways.

My daddy's back from Bali! He went there with his brother. While I was writing my nine-page fanfic, he came back (on the fifteenth) so… yeah. He brought back all sorts of neat stuff, including this kawaii tie-dye shirt (it could even be considered a dress) that, regrettably, is strapless. This means that I can't wear it to school. I would love to, and I wouldn't wear it in an inappropriate way (I pull it up as far as I can, and my mood is generally innocent and childish and crazy enough that I can wear a strapless top without looking slutty) but it's against the school dress code. I'm now wishing that a red tank top or a cute jacket would come my way so that I can wear this thing to school. DO YOU HEAR ME? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAVE EVER DESIRED A RED SHIRT FOR CASUAL PURPOSES!!!!! …In case you're wondering, the only other time I've ever wanted a red shirt, it was a long-sleeved, velvet Christmas shirt. Bright red generally just doesn't go with my coloring.


	10. Chapter 10

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own anything by the creators of Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto, right?

This is actually coming along pretty well. I mean, I have ten chapters. That's always an accomplishment, even if all I have now is about equivalent to my Tales of Symphonia one-shot (technically, it was a chapter, but the other three were junk. I might redo them soon) Sacrifice for the World. Even if you don't play Tales of Symphonia, it's so different from the game (it takes place two thousand years before) that there are only a few things that would confuse you, and most of them are explained. It's my favorite fanfic ever, even if I did write it.

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The next morning after breakfast, Ritonno turned to Deidara. "Wash your clothes."

"What, yeah? Don't think I heard you right, yeah."

"Wash your clothes. And change your shirt for once! I was going to make you do it after I was done yesterday, but then I had to make dinner." The rest of the Akatsuki was failing to contain their laughter. "Don't laugh! You're all next!"

So it happened that Ritonno followed Deidara down the hall, waited outside his room as he changed his shirt, pants and socks (he had two sets of informal Akatsuki clothes), and followed him outside, where he piled snow into the washtub and Ritonno did a jutsu to make it hot. Then, Deidara put in the soap and started to rub his clothes against the washboard.

He did this, not at knifepoint, but at the threat of his neck being at one of Ritonno's blade's tips. When he was done, he hung up all his stuff (the Akatsuki had a clothesline, they just seldom used it) and she went through the exact same procedure with Kisame. She went through all of the Akatsuki except for Leader, because although she doubted that he was any better than the others, he was the elite of their organization and she couldn't do anything against him.

She was surprised at the general resentment of good hygiene.

That day, she made a chart of household chores that should be done weekly. For example, she put herself and Kisame down as cooking dinner (daily), Itachi and Sasori had cleaning duties (one was partially mechanical and one saw everything…), Kakuzu was in charge of funds, Deidara… What skills did Deidara have? She chose to decide that last. She did it all in pencil, anyway.

So, she changed it. She decided that she would teach Deidara how to cook and Kisame would do laundry because he could produce water from nothing. Zetsu could… Well, right now, Zetsu and Hidan weren't willing to do much of anything, so she'd figure that out when it came up. Zetsu didn't seem like the type that would be good at household chores, perhaps since he didn't have arms. Hidan, she put down as doing their laundry half of the time. Zetsu could be their gardener, she decided. This gave a job to everyone except Leader, who she couldn't control anyway.

No matter how much misery the Akatsuki was in now, she was nearly certain that once they got used to the schedule, they wouldn't mind it that much.

That night, she dragged Deidara away from his drawings to teach him how to cook. "What do you want to have for dinner, Deidara?"

"I dunno, yeah."

"Well, I want to teach you how to cook. It's the only household chore that I could ever imagine you doing, so here we are. Are there any foods that you're particularly fond of?"

"Miso, yeah!"

"…Besides miso?"

"I dunno, yeah. Ramen?"

"How about soba?"

"Okay, yeah! Soba's good!"

So, she showed him how to wash and chop vegetables, estimate with spices and sauces, and stir fry the vegetables and meat, adding the noodles last.

"This is too fast, yeah!"

"Not really. I mean, you just have to keep it all moving. Is it sticking?"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"Put more water in. Here." She poured about a cup of water into the pan. When it had mostly boiled off, dinner was ready.

Deidara went on a crazy dash around the house, alerting everyone that it was dinner time.

Ritonno, as always when Leader chose not to come downstairs, took a plate of food and a couple chopsitcks up to him.

"Who is it?"

"Ritonno. I've got food."

"Oh. Come in, Ritonno." He opened the door.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"If the food isn't good, it's not my fault: Deidara cooked most of it."

"Huh? Why?"

"I'm teaching him to cook. Recently, I became aware that the Akatsuki were rolling in filth, so I came up with a calendar that tells people when to do certain household chores."

"Really? What am I put down for?"

"Nothing. I'm not in a place to challenge you."

"Would you be willing to show it to me later?"

"Sure! Right after dinner."

"Okay. Thank you, Ritonno."

"Goodbye."

She ran down the steps (this had nothing to do with enthusiasm; she simply didn't like walking up and down steps) and went into the dining room, where everyone had started without her (this was to be expected) and joined them at the table. To ensure that she got a decent amount of food, they had set aside a plate for her (although portions given under those circumstances were generally small) which had let them take everything else.

She ate the abnormally small plate of food, extending the time over which she ate it by socializing more than usual, then took her calendar up to Leader, who approved it (after laughing at the idea that the most feared organization in the world was being forced to do household chores) then went downstairs and turned off the TV.

Deidara screamed.

"Deidara, stop acting like a little kid! I only turned off the TV!"

"Heh. Heheh…"

"Okay. Here is a calendar that I made. It will guide us through daily, monthly, weekly, and other kinds of household chores. Recently, Deidara told me that he hadn't changed his shirt in over a week. This morning, I made you all do your laundry for that reason. But, if you don't even do laundry, that means that you probably don't do much else. I have assigned you each duties, but I don't care who does them as long as they get done."

"What are you planning to force us to do?" Kisame asked.

"Well, I put myself and Deidara down for cooking – sorry Kisame, I know you like to cook, but Deidara didn't seem like he'd be very good at much else – and Kakuzu gets to be in charge of funds, Kisame and Hidan do laundry, Itachi and Sasori do cleaning, Zetsu's the gardener because they don't really have hands, and Leader doesn't have to do anything because I have no power over him."

"Yay! I get money!"

"I knew at least you'd be happy…"

"Wait, so I have to cook _every night_, yeah?!"

"Until you get good. Then you only have to cook every other night. Unless you're willing to switch with someone."

"Why do I have to clean? Are you trying to equate me with a human?"

"Well, you're sort of mechanical, and Itachi sees everything. So, I figured that would be a good job for people who don't miss anything."

"Then comes the question: are you trying to equate me with a puppet?"

"Not at all."

"Why do I have to do laundry? I mean, I was used to cooking…"

"You can create water from nothing. Think of how much work that saves."

She waited a few seconds to see if there would be mutiny. There wasn't, so she walked into the kitchen with her calendar, saying, "Okay, I'm going to post this in the kitchen next to the pantry. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's the big hole-type-thing in the kitchen with the sliding door."

She put the calendar on the counter and ran downstairs to get a hammer and nail. She drove the nail into the wall, hung up the calendar, and took Hidan's meal (also set aside at the beginning of the meal) to the shed. He was begging, groveling, anything to get out of the shed and make a prayer to Jashin. But, she didn't let him. She also took the bowl of miso from lunch that he had put in the corner as an offering to Jashin, but while her back was turned, he escaped.

No matter. She had hidden his most prized statue anyway. It was only a matter of time until…

She heard a scream from inside the main house. She put the bowl of miso outside of the door, then went inside to find Hidan, on his knees in front of his altar. "What have you done?! You've defiled the sacred altar of Jashin-sama! You'll pay for what you've done!"

"Come on, Hidan." She grabbed his ear. Outside of the house, she searched him for hidden knives and things, but finding none, took him back to the shed, where she locked him inside once again.

He screamed at her more and pounded on the inside of the door. She came upstairs with the bowl of miso as though nothing had happened, but the entire Akatsuki was staring at her, wide-eyed.

"What? What's everyone looking at?"

No one said anything. They were now afraid out of their minds.

Then Leader came downstairs. "Ritonno, give Hidan back his statue. I'm trying to watch my show."

"I put him back in the shed. He angered me last night. He's paying for that."

"Why? Because he didn't like your vegetarian cooking? I didn't, either."

"Yes, but then he also stereotyped girls as being overly compassionate. I'm not, so I locked him in the shed and took away his statue of Jashin."

"That's just cruel."

"Hey, I was angry."

Leader started to laugh. This scared the Akatsuki even more. Then he went back upstairs to the attic and Ritonno became cheerful again.

"What's happening? Why's that girl dead?"

"We don't know yet, yeah."

They watched soap operas and the like until eleven o'clock, when they all went to bed. Deidara had a good sleep.

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I'd written more than I thought I had. Well, I had a lot of dialogue in there, but still, four pages is a lot to be written in less than two hours when the author also spends a lot of time trying to learn the theme song to the Japanese Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories games (By SquareEnix) so… yeah.

I had something I had wanted to talk about, but I forget what it was. I have to do homework now, though…


	11. Chapter 11

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own anything by Masashi Kishimoto

In case you were wondering, the main reason why I put in artists' comments that you don't even care about is to make it look as though I've written something. You have no idea how hard it is to start writing with a blank page. But, with a system, it's easier: title, author, chapter, disclaimer, comments. The comments at the end are because, although I don't see any need to add to the chapter, I enjoy writing.

And I think I'm relatively good at it.

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The next morning, Deidara was woken up by Hidan screaming, "YES!!! I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" before six o'clock. Normally, he would have gone back to sleep, but he couldn't because it was a person yelling, not some other kind of noise, that had woken him up.

So, he tried to fall asleep for a long time after that, then gave up and went to have breakfast. Ritonno was watching some video on the TV and doing stretches, making noises or yelling at the TV every once-in-awhile. After breakfast, Deidara went to check it out.

"What are you watching, yeah?"

"Well, see the dude with the pink hair?"

"He's a guy, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"EWWWW! There are guys kissing, yeah!"

"Yeah! Isn't it adorable?"

"It's disgusting, yeah!"

She paused the video. "Girls and women all over the world watch similar programs. It's a type of anime called shônen-ai, which translates from the old language as 'boy love,' meaning that there's a whole ton of stuff with guys kissing in it. The basic theory is that, the more cute guys you can shove into one anime, the more girls will like it. Also, the more times that they kiss each other."

"Can you see any of us acting like that, yeah?"

"Actually, there's a huge stereotype of gay guys as being feminine, but they don't have to be. See the dude with the blonde hair who looks like a guy? He acts stereotypically masculine. In this genre, it's referred to as 'semei,' and the girly one is considered the 'uke.' The great thing about anime is that some of the guys act feminine – fangirls do make fun of that, in case you were wondering – so we can relate to them. But, two guys kissing is one of the most attractive things there is to a girl."

"So, if I kissed Itachi, you'd find that attractive, yeah?"

"No, because both of the guys have to be cute, and if you kissed any members of the Akatsuki, you'd be in serious danger. I wouldn't try it."

"Okay, yeah."

Deidara left and Ritonno went back to her anime and stretches. (It wasn't like she really needed to stretch; it was just something to pretend to do)

Deidara went to Zetsu's room and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Deidara, yeah!"

"Don't let him in. It's probably the demon again."

"I'm not a demon, yeah!"

"Tobi, open the door. No one but Deidara can take that tone of voice."

So he did, and luckily for Zetsu, it actually was Deidara.

"Hey, Zetsu-san! Wanna hang out for awhile?"

"Why aren't you with the demon-woman like you always are?" "Yes. You usually prefer to spend time with Ritonno."

"She's watching guys kiss on an anime DVD. It's disgusting, yeah."

"Girls… they're very strange." "No good… Stupid females, ruining our way of life."

"You're not the ones who have to learn to cook, yeah."

"…" "…"

"What's it like living together like that, yeah? You must be pretty close by now, yeah."

"…" "…"

"Um… Somehow, I get the feeling you don't really want me here now, yeah."

"No, we don't." "I'm sorry, Deidara. We're just trying to focus as much energy as possible on regenerating ourselves."

"You're so lucky you got Oro's room after he left, yeah. You have a wooden door."

"It's definitely the best for keeping the heat in." "He kept it dry, though." "It was nice having the heat lamp already installed, too." "We had to air out the place for two days and it still smelled like snake for weeks after."

Deidara chuckled and left, not wanting to go upstairs, but at the same time wanting to go to his room. So, he went upstairs and turned left directly after he got to the top. This led him away from the kitchen, dining room, and television room (they were all connected) and into the hall that led to his, Sasori's, and Kisame's rooms. He shut the door, blocking the noise from the TV room. Whatever those guys were saying (from Ritonno's description, he guessed that there weren't that many girls in the show) he didn't want to know what it was.

After a few hours, Ritonno dragged him out of his room to cook dinner, then put some aside for herself (she did this most nights; she had simply forgotten the previous one) and took Leader's meal up to him. She was back sooner than she had been the previous night, presumably because she had had a shorter discussion with him. Then she bounded down the stairs and ate her meal with the rest of them.

"Itachi? Do you like shôjo-ai?"

"What?"

"Do you find it attractive when girls hug and kiss in romantic situations?"

"Um… why?"

"Because I want to know if guys find that interesting. I know it's hot when guys kiss in anime."

"Um… that's disturbing."

"That's a teenaged girl. Answer my question."

"Don't bring up disgusting things at the dinner table, yeah!"

"What? In reality, I go for straight guys. But in anime, it's like the entire system has been overturned and there are unexpected things popping up everywhere that you would think would be censored out, but they aren't. It's like a huge step toward acceptance."

"It's still disgusting, yeah."

"Yes." The voice was Sasori's, surprisingly enough.

"What?"

"Yes. It is attractive. Very attractive."

"Oh. I didn't expect you to have an opinion on something like this, Sasori."

"I got the DVDs from Itachi. But it goes beyond hugging and kissing. At one point, they –"

"That's enough, Sasori!" Itachi hissed from across the table. So, Itachi didn't like shôjo-ai. He liked yuri. Well, it was to be expected, considering that he read Icha.

"I get it, Sasori. Yeah. I'm not all that into yaoi, personally, but there are tons of girls who are. I figure, if it's not rated for my age group, I'm not meant to see it yet. How old are you, again?"

"Seventeen."

"Oh, jeesh! Why is everyone seventeen? The main characters of videogames are seventeen, Deidara's seventeen, you're seventeen… Wait a minute. How do you buy anime and manga and Icha if you're not eighteen yet?"

"Theft. Duh."

"Right. It's weird. It's been months since I've joined this organization, but I've never gotten used to all the obvious stuff. Like, of course, since we're evil, we would steal tons. But, I've never stolen anything in my life."

"I don't steal miso, yeah! If I did, then the store would want to arrest me, yeah, and that's where I get my miso."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You said we steal tons, yeah. But, the main thing that I buy is miso, yeah, so that's not necessarily true."

"Well, you're also like the little kid of the group, and you have a miso dependency, so that makes plenty of sense. I was talking about stealing mature literature, comics, and videos."

"Why are we arguing about stealing, yeah? I mean, we all do it, except apparently for Ritonno, so why fight about what specific things we steal, yeah?"

"Heh. I guess you're right." They continued dinner relatively contentedly, watched TV until eleven, and went to sleep.

In the morning, as Deidara was eating breakfast (miso), he wondered where Ritonno was. Had she gone out running?

Then, he heard a _whump_ on the stairs. When he went to see what had happened, he found that Ritonno, wearing her happicoat, had tripped on the second step.

"Are you okay, yeah?"

"Heh. Yeah. Just tripped." He started down the stairs toward her. "No, really, Deidara, I'm fine." She proceeded to walk up the rest of the stairs without incident.

"I'm just on my – uh, I mean, I'm probably just a little sick. Not bad, though."

"But you never trip, yeah!"

"Eh. Sometimes I do. I'm just so good at catching myself that you never notice."

"You're amazing, yeah."

"I know I am."

Deidara finished his breakfast soon after she joined him, but he stuck around to talk to her; however, Zetsu came into the kitchen, which was unexpected because everyone thought that they would stay in their room.

"Leader wants to talk to you," the white side said.

"Oh! That's unexpected." Ritonno got up from the table, caught her ankle on one of the table legs, and managed to free herself without falling down. "See, Dei-chan? I told you!"

Now, Ritonno's perspective. I think I've sort of run out of Deidara ideas.

"Who is it?"

"Ritonno."

"Enter."

She knew that this was a formality. No one would dare disturb Leader in the morning unless summoned.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, and I still do. Do you see this map? It shows the location of the nine Tails. But, to get to them, we need to stop anything or anyone that might get in the way."

"I see…" She understood perfectly what she had to do, but Leader, to a certain extent, liked the sound of his own voice.

"I'm sending you to the Sound village. You will kill a woman who failed to send us the information that we asked for."

"What if she did and it got lost? Shouldn't I bring her to you?"

"Then she would know the location of the Akatsuki and she would still have to die."

"What if we meet somewhere else?"

"Where?"

"In the Mist village."

Leader considered this for a second. Perhaps, if the woman really had sent the information that he had requested, she should be spared. The Mist village would completely mislead her if she wanted to find the direction of the Akatsuki building.

"Okay. Good idea, Ritonno. Here's her picture. You leave as soon as possible."

Downstairs in her room, she packed a change of clothes, her Akatsuki robe, a sleeping bag, necessities (food, another item that I will not mention because there could be guys reading this) and her Grass headband (which she had gotten on Christmas), but then thought about where she was going and asked around for a Sound headband, but nobody had one, so she had to make do with the Grass plate.

Then she put her knapsack (which had once been used for sleepovers) onto her shoulders, yelled goodbye so that everyone who was awake could hear it, and left.

Ritonno was very good at long distance running. After about a mile and a half, you don't feel anything in you legs anymore, so she ran the entire day, stopping at a stream when dusk was about started.

She set up her sleeping bag on the ground and took a bath in the stream. She changed into her other clothes (they were relatively good for sleeping in, but she would have preferred her pajamas) and made herself some dinner from peanut butter and wheat bread. To those of you who have never tried this (or who have never even considered eating wheat bread), you're missing out.

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Ritonno, at this point, is definitely more interesting than any idea I have for Deidara. But, because she's so far away from the Akatsuki building, I have to go back to Dei-san. I do have one idea, but you'll have to wait until next chapter to find out (did I mention it already?)

Production of fanfiction chapters may be slowed because I've got all the pieces of my juban (the white or red layer under the kimono or yukata – mine's white) cut out and I have the tension set on my sewing machine. The part that takes the longest is actually going to be the pinning… And yet, I would never wish to sew this thing by hand.

-For girls' eyes only- Yes, Rittonno is on her period, but it's probably only going to last three or four days because of all the running she's doing. I just wanted to make her trip on the stairs. Looks like she can't PMS at anyone, though, because she's not even going to be there.


	12. Chapter 12

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own anything by Masashi Kishimoto

Pockles is sick, which is horribly horrible. What would be even worse would be if she got over it by Monday, so she was sick for both days of the weekend and didn't want to do her homework, but wasn't sick enough to skip school on Monday.

Once, because I have a teacher who gives out lots and lots and lots of homework (over an hour a night– this is only one class. My math class has consistent homework, and the others barely give me anything) I skipped school to do homework. I felt triumphant when I finished it that afternoon (I started a little before ten, I think) and I consider that a completely acceptable reason to skip. I wouldn't do that for some huge project I forgot to do or anything, but here's the thing: I had been sick on Monday and Tuesday. At my school, we get the same number of days to finish our homework as the number of days that we missed. So, I would have had to turn this stuff in on Friday. But, because I missed Wednesday, too, I would have been allowed to turn stuff in on Tuesday.

This was also right before progress reports came out, and before I turned in my missing homework, I had a D. I got it up to a B, though. I wish I was organized enough to get A's.

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The next day, Leader sent Itachi to the Mist village. The rest of the group noticed. However, they didn't notice that Leader had been gone until he came in the door.

He came into the dining room, where the entire Akatsuki had congregated for lunch.

"I bought noh tickets for Saturday. Attendance is mandatory. It's at the theatre in town."

Then he left. Everyone except for Deidara was upset – they hated noh – but Deidara had never been to a noh performance before. If Ritonno were there, she would have been excited, too, but she was still on her mysterious mission.

Deidara played around with different clay prototypes from his sketches, then went through a book about animals to see what would be good to make from clay. He made several types of fish, eels, and water mammals, then got bored and drew some stuff.

Then he got hungry and realized that, now that Ritonno was gone, he would have to cook.

Normally, he would have begged Kisame to do it for him, but with their new schedules, that would land Deidara a day of doing laundry, and he didn't like it when his mouths got exposed to the detergent.

So, they had soup for dinner. Deidara cut up meat and vegetables and put them in miso soup, and that was what they had for dinner. The entire Akatsuki got mad, and Kisame declared that he would cook the next night if Ritonno weren't back by then.

She wasn't.

Deidara tried to convince Kisame that, because Kisame had decided it, Deidara shouldn't have to wash clothes, but Kisame was very insistent, so Deidara ended up spending an hour that day with Hidan, which he didn't particularly enjoy. The only reason why he did it was that, if Ritonno came back to find that the chores hadn't been done, she would just about kill them and they would have to work even longer.

When Ritonno came back with Itachi three days later, Deidara almost hugged her because that meant that Kisame wasn't going to cook anymore, and if Kisame wasn't going to cook, that also meant that his mouths wouldn't have the chance of getting filled with water, detergent, and who-knows-what-else.

As it was, there was much yelling and screaming.

"…And we're going to a noh concert tomorrow, yeah!"

"What?! I love noh! That's great!" (for those of you who don't know what noh is, it's like kabuki except that it was done for the noble class, so it has more dignity and the costumes have been passed down through the centuries and… well, my mom says that it's like Japanese opera: it's performance art and everyone respects that it's part of their culture, but very few people actually enjoy it. That's all I know about noh.) But then, she realized: Deidara probably didn't even know what noh was. He was probably excited because it would be a new experience.

She didn't know how she was going to get him to sit through the entire thing.

"Have you ever been to a noh performance, Deidara?"

"Nope, yeah!" He had that adorable, childish expression on his face. Suddenly, she knew how to control him: explain it as she would to a small child, making it sound absolutely fascinating. By the time he got bored, the performance would be almost over.

"Well, it's all in the old language, so you have to get a translation of the script. And there's beautiful dancing and costumes… It's an art passed down through the clans, and some of the costumes and props are centuries old. They even dance in the old style. It's amazing."

"I can't wait, yeah!"

"Good. Now, let me go to my room and get into a different set of clothes. These are filthy." She walked past him, completely losing her "fascinating" tone of voice because she had gotten Deidara so excited that she wouldn't be able to bring him out of it until he actually saw the performance.

She put on her juban (it was white), her thick, black yukata, and her Akatsuki obi, which she tied in a quick butterfly knot and twisted to the back. She also made sure that the back of her neck wasn't exposed. Wouldn't want the rest of the Akatsuki to think she was _that_ kind of girl.

Now she went upstairs and socialized with the rest of the Akatsuki. After five days being active, she just wanted to lie there, but she knew that she had to cook dinner. She wondered what the Akatsuki had eaten while she had been gone.

She made gyouza, finding that it was actually relaxing to cook in a fully-stocked kitchen without anyone whining to her at all. She didn't bring in Deidara because she wanted to cook in peace.

At dinner, Leader was there. She asked him if her yukata would be considered formal if she tied her obi in a more formal knot, and he said it didn't matter since no one could see her back anyway. So, she got to make fun of the rest of the Akatsuki members.

But then, she had been doing that for a long time.

"Leader-sama? Deidara says we're going to a noh performance."

"Yes. Tomorrow."

"What kind of performance is it?"

"It's an old play, but it's been translated into the modern language. It's mugen, so that should keep people relatively interested. Also, it's geki."

"What kind of characters are there?"

Leader smiled. "It's a katsura play."

Ritonno's expression went completely flat. "You just wanted to watch some dude being represented as a woman."

"Remember who you're speaking to."

"It's true, though, isn't it? I mean, around here, I'm the only woman, and I'm definitely not here to entertain anybody. It's like me watching shônen-ai anime."

"That stuff is just creepy."

"No, it's just unappealing to guys. And it's not like there's anything wrong with katsura. Heck, there's crossdressing in manga; why can't we have it in traditional-style plays?"

"…"

"What's the play called?"

"How about I just give you the pamphlet?"

"Sure. Thank you."

"…"

(for the previous conversation, I had to wikipedia noh. I also wikipedia'd the play, which was a link from the noh page)

They went through their normal nightly procedure, and in the morning, after breakfast, Ritonno went up the stairs in a bright, happy-looking yukata, (she had always thought it to be one of her most beautiful possessions and hadn't been able to part with it when she had joined the Akatsuki) cursing the other Akatsuki members on every step up to the attic. First of all, she had had to teach Itachi the proper knot to use on her yukata. It had had to be Itachi because he remembered everything and she didn't want to show someone the knot millions of times over. She had used Deidara as an example and couldn't get the images out of her head.

Second, with her body all packaged up, she could barely breathe, much less walk up stairs. All of the guys were wearing… well, they were wearing their Akatsuki cloaks. It was easy for them to move around. Ritonno had to move one foot up one step, move the other foot up to the same step, and repeat that several times, all with her knees squeezed together so that her yukata wouldn't come undone. She wondered how she would even keep up with the guys, with her tiny, pigeon-toed, feminine steps.

Why was it that yukata-wearing was complex for women and easy for guys? The entire culture was sexist against women, with the complex obi knots, the sleeve lengths, and absolutely everything else about wearing kimono and yukata.

In case anyone's wondering why Ritonno is wearing a yukata in the middle of winter, her family wasn't rich enough to afford silk. The yukata that she happens to be wearing is relatively thick, and also remember that she has a juban under it.

…So, Ritonno was halfway up the steps, holding her yukata closed to make extra sure that it would stay, cursing the male Akatsuki members (even Leader, for waking up so late), then she was at the top of the steps. She knocked ever-so-lightly on the door. If Leader was awake, he would hear it.

No answer.

So, she knocked a bit louder.

No answer.

Slightly louder…

No answer. She opened the door a crack. It was full daylight, so she wasn't letting any more light in by opening the door; she was just afraid of leader.

But, in a way, she was leader's partner; this was because neither of them had partners and she didn't want to be paired with Zetsu.

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It will be funnier if the chapter ends here. Plus, the story was at average chapter length. Can any of you imagine Ritonno in a bright yukata and obi? I actually can. She seems to be rather feminine now that she's established that she's the most powerful Akatsuki member besides Leader.

Everyone hates obi. They compare them to corsets, but obi and corsets actually have opposite purposes: obi are designed to keep you from looking as though you have a chest or curves, and corsets try to make those features more noticeable. They're supposed to feel about the same, though.

Would Ritonno have any idea how to tie a formal obi? I have no idea. I know that there are zillions of obi knots, though, so chances are that she knows at least one formal one, and it would be very likely that she would learn one of the ones for her age group. But, with so much being said by the obi, she might have had Deidara adjust it a bit after Itachi did it. This would be because Deidara works with physical objects instead of chakra and is very good at manipulating physical objects and knowing how to make things look just right.


	13. Chapter 13

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 13

Don't want to write much. I know exactly what goes at the beginning of the story.

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" Um… Leader-sama?" She barely whispered it. A second later, she had to duck the shuriken that flew at her head. Leader didn't like to be woken up; in fact, he didn't like waking up whether he did it on his own or someone else made him. But, even in his half-asleep state, he still managed to aim the shuriken.

Ritonno was glad that she didn't have her hair up yet.

"We're going to the noh performance today. We need to leave within the next hour." She was using her best stereotypical girl-voice, hoping that the high pitch and the soft tone would be good enough to keep her from being almost-killed before they left the house.

"I don't care! Let me sleep!"

Again she dodged a shuriken, this one aimed at her middle. To dodge it, she had to throw her entire body to the side. This, combined with her obi and yukata, meant that something that would have been a simple maneuver in normal clothes threw her to the ground.

She stood up. "Um… what do you want for breakfast?"

"Shut up! I don't care!" Leader seemed to have realized that Ritonno could dodge any of his shurikens, even in her yukata. She was completely prepared for one, but it never came.

"How about miso? It works for Deidara."

"Leave my room and let me get some sleep!"

"Okay. I'll be back in a couple minutes."

She came upstairs with a bowl of miso. "Wake _up_, Leader-sama!" She called him "sama" because, in the morning, you had to be as polite to Leader as you could possibly be. It was habit. However, she lost her formality as she grabbed his shoulder, intending to make him sit up and eat the miso. Almost before she touched him, his hand was on top of hers and he turned on his side to look at her. Her eyes widened as she realized that she was treating him as a normal Akatsuki member and not as her superior.

"This is a warning. Touch me like that again and you die."

She got on her knees in a respectful, but not overly-humbling bow. She would have been happy to do the latter, but with her yukata on, that would have been nearly impossible. "I'm sorry, Leader-sama. I forgot my place."

He sat up and grabbed the bowl of miso. "Good. Now, leave me. I'll be downstairs in time."

"Yes, Leader-sama." She kept her head down as she left. It took longer to leave the room than she would have liked (remember that she has to take steps that are about 3-5 inches) but she got out.

If Ritonno hated going up stairs in formalwear, she hated going down them even more. This was because, going up them, she could stand on her tiptoes and elevate herself, but when going down the stairs, she had to bend at least one of her knees substantially on each step and hang onto the handrail for dear life.

As she shuffled into the kitchen, all of the other Akatsuki members were staring at her expectantly, and she was glaring back at them.

"Well, yeah?" Deidara asked finally.

"If it were any one of you, you'd be dead right now." She walked up and grabbed Deidara's wrist. "Come with me, Dei-chan."

"Why, yeah?"

She turned around. She was reasonable in the morning, but no one liked it when their life was threatened and she was beginning to get ticked off. "I need my hair done. You work with physical objects. I don't feel like debating with people."

Deidara sort of squeaked and followed her. He did her hair in an ornate, traditional-looking style, then she told him to leave and did her makeup. It wasn't nearly as dramatic as it would have been even fifty years earlier, but it was pretty in a modern way. She checked her appearance, making sure that she looked just right, then went into the main area (which was also the dining area; remember that the Akatsuki mainly consists of teenaged guys and guys in their early twenties) to make sure that she was as attractive as she thought she was.

From their stares, she assumed that she was.

Then Leader came down wearing two layers of kimono and a haori.

"Wow! You look great in kimono, Leader-sama!"

-glare-

"I'm sorry for waking you up like that. I guess I'm just a little rushed. Does anyone know how we're going to get into town?"

"We're going to take the train, like always. Is there a problem with that?"

"Okay. Then, I should probably leave right about now."

"What? Why?"

She glared at him. "Do you see this yukata? Do you see this obi? Do you see my pigeon-toed feet that can only move about three inches at a time?"

"Oh…"

"Yeah." She turned back to the crowd. "Does anyone here want to come with me to make sure I don't fall down? It would take forever if I fell down and had to redo my yukata and obi _and_ go to the train station…"

"I will." Surprisingly, the offer came from Leader.

"What?"

"It's only fitting. I mean, no one else here is nearly as good of a fighter as you."

"You do know that it's going to be horribly boring, right?"

"Depends. We can talk about things."

"Okay…"

She heard the other members snicker as they left. _They are DEAD when I get out of this yukata,_ she thought.

It took forever to get to the train station. Normally, it took about five minutes. That was at a running or jogging pace. With three-inch steps, it took about three or four times as long. She was just grateful that she was wearing geta so that her clothes didn't get dust on them.

When they were almost to the train station, the rest of the Akatsuki passed them, taking their time as they walked with their wide steps, each making sure to say something to her, and generally snickering.

"When I get out of this yukata this afternoon, you're all dead!"

Deidara lagged behind. He didn't want Ritonno to yell at him, and besides, he liked her company.

"Hi, Ritonno-kun, yeah!"

"Hey, Dei-chan. Can you believe how idiotic they are? I mean, we're going to a noh performance and they get upset, then I get myself all dolled up to go and what do they all wear? Their Akatsuki robes."

"It's the only formal stuff we have, yeah!"

"Didn't any of you have lives before the Akatsuki?"

"Yeah, yeah! We left them behind when we joined, yeah!"

"Leaving your clan doesn't mean leaving your stuff! This yukata is from before I joined. I just couldn't bear to leave it behind."

"I brought my clay, yeah."

"Well, that's your weapon."

"I know that, yeah. If I left that behind, I would be completely defenseless. I couldn't leave it behind, yeah!"

"Um… it's different. I'm talking about a wearable work of art that cost a lot of money. You're talking about powdered clay, which can be purchased at the local craft store."

"I guess you're right, yeah…"

"Yeah. There's unlimited powdered clay, or at least as much as you can use in your lifetime. This yukata was passed down through my clan and there will never be anything like it. It would be better to compare it to one of your birds. …Except that, if you blow up my yukata, I'll hurt you."

"Here we are, yeah!"

"Yep! And there's Kakuzu trying to get a free ticket out of the machine. The Akatsuki never fails to – no, wait. The Akatsuki never amazes me. The Akatsuki never fails to be the strangest group of misfits I've ever met."

"That's us, yeah!"

"I know."

"Wait a minute, Ritonno-san! Where's your fake headband, yeah?"

She reached into her sleeve and pulled it out. "Where else would I keep it? I mean, it's not like you're supposed to wear any jewelry or anything… The village headbands were developed after modern clothing styles began. Guys would wear headbands, then girls, then their kids did it. Then the metal plates came in, instead of embroidered patterns which varied considerably in different clans, even in the same village."

"Makes sense, yeah."

"Yup. So, I carry the band in my sleeve instead."

"You could've just said it made sense, yeah."

"I could." At this point, Kakuzu had bought tickets for the entire Akatsuki. He swore at the machine when he figured out how high the price would be to go to the village. Per person, it was cheap, but this was for a group of nine. Then he swore again when he realized that the maximum change that the machine gave was $4.50, and that it was all in quarters. But then, that was Kakuzu. Ritonno was actually glad that he was part of their group because part of their plan for taking over the world was to acquire a "large sum of money."

Other than Kakuzu's insanity and Kisame almost being reported to the station police for carrying Samehada, they managed to get to the town relatively easily. This time, Itachi just picked her up and carried her so that she could keep up. While she opposed this (and yelled at him), she could do nothing. Itachi was surprisingly strong. This was exactly the reason why Ritonno tried to avoid any actual physical contact when she fought: her main attribute wasn't her strength.

Fortunately for her, Leader pulled a knife from one of his sleeves just far enough so that Itachi could see it.

Itachi let her free. The first thing she did was straighten her yukata and obi; then, she ran (using her girly little three-inch steps) and caught up with them. She almost had to run to keep up with them, but Leader and Deidara had no problem lagging behind and staying with her, as long as she didn't get too far behind.

When they finally got to the theatre, it took forever to get through customs. First, Kisame had to hand over Sameheda, then they all had to hand over their shurikens, knives, and other weapons. However, with nine Akatsuki members, none of whom were completely honest, each secretly kept at least three weapons on them (except for Ritonno, who couldn't conceive of anything life-threatening happening at a noh performance).

As they walked to their seats, Deidara completely freaked out. "They confiscated my clay, yeah!"

"Deidara, relax. You'll get it back after the performance!"

"But I _need_ it! You have no idea how insecure I feel without it, yeah!"

"Deidara, it's powdered clay! Besides, you didn't hand over all your knives; I know you have that one stash in your left sleeve. No one's going to try to kill us in the noh theatre."

"I know that, yeah! It's just really scary not having it with me!"

"But, you had to give it up for the noh. Remember how fun it's going to be?" She was using her "fascinating" tone again, trying to get Deidara excited enough that he would forget his clay and perhaps even enjoy the performance.

"But I don't feel safe, yeah!"

"Deidara, calm down! It's going to be okay. See? Kisame's not upset, and he had to leave Samehada behind."

"If any of them try to use it, it'll hurt them. I never worry about it."

"My clay can't do anything like that, yeah!"

"Deidara, we're in a noh theatre. They're not going to steal your clay or anything. Even if Samehada _can_ hurt people of its own free will, Kisame still uses it as his weapon."

"But Kisame's strong, yeah! I can barely even lift Samehada when it lets me!"

"Deidara… Will someone please talk some sense into Deidara?"

"Sure." Leader slipped a knife under Deidara's throat. There was barely anyone in the theatre, so no one saw it, but it made Deidara shut up.

Still, he sat with his shoulders hunched and this pitiful expression on his face. Ritonno couldn't bear to sit next to him for more than five minutes, so eventually she got (Akatsuki member) to go and steal Deidara's clay from the front room. When he got it, the look on his face made Ritonno happy, especially since that also meant that he would enjoy the noh for a decent amount of time.

The room was filled and the performance started. Deidara was captivated for nearly an hour, much longer than Ritonno had expected. Then he got a bit bored and by the end, he was playing with a little piece of clay in his fingers.

When they left (they had actually had to wake up Itachi) Ritonno slipped Deidara's clay pouch into her sleeve. The fabric was thick enough that it could have been anything. They had no problem getting back through customs, but it took all of the members (except for Ritonno – she hadn't expected to be threatened inside a noh theatre) awhile to get all of their knives, shurikens, etc. equipped comfortably. Itachi, with his Sharingans, had no problem getting everything in exactly the right place, but everyone else took at least two minutes to get everything back onto their persons and into their cloaks. The customs officials, used to dealing with ninjas, weren't too surprised at how many weapons the Akatsuki wore; however, the number of different kinds of weapons seemed to appall them.

At this point, Ritonno had already left for the station. She felt safe inside of the city. Deidara wondered how far she was at that point.

When they were all comfortable, having equipped their shurikens, knives, and main weapons, they set out through the town. They could afford to go slow; Ritonno was going much slower and it was a fair distance to the train station.

However.

About three-quarters of the way between the theatre and the station, a crowd had assembled. Deidara sent his bird (he still had that one little lump of clay in his hands, and had only to shape it) into the mayhem. Seeing through the bird's metaphorical eyes, he saw who was at the center of the crowd.

Ritonno was unconscious.

"Leader-san! That's Ritonno, yeah!"

"What?!" Leader pushed through the crowd to Ritonno, closely followed by Deidara. "Ritonno! Are you okay?!" He didn't mean it as a normal person would say it; a normal person would simply assume that the person was heavily injured, and so did Leader. However, what Leader meant by this question was, "will you live?"

"Oh, definitely. I just have this horrible pain in my side, my arm, my ankle, and even my head. But, I should be okay."

"Good. Deidara?"

"Of course, yeah." Deidara made his clay bird larger, then made another for himself. He lay Ritonno carefully on the first one, then rode the other one himself to make sure that she didn't fall off or anything.

He got home before the others and managed to get Ritonno into her room; thinking about the things she had said, he rolled her onto her stomach and untied her obi. In the hope of saving her yukata, he sat her up and took it off of her. He was (fortunately) right in his assumption that she had a sash on over her juban to hold it in place when she positioned her obi.

The nice thing about Akatsuki clothes was that, as long as they were nice and had been cleaned enough times that they were limp, you couldn't tell if they got bloody. The only way that Ritonno would ever be able to save her juban would be to either bleach the heck out of it or dye it red.

He lay her down on her bed, then left a note and flew out to get the doctor from the town.

When he got back (the doctor commented on the strangeness of flying on a bird blindfolded), he left the room out of respect (and fear) for Ritonno. The doctor said that she had been badly hurt, but she would be fine.

Deidara flew him back, and the Akatsuki was faced with a dilemma.

Normally, when a member of the Akatsuki was hurt for any reason, another member would be assigned to sleep in their room and stay there during the day to make sure that they were okay. However, with Ritonno, anyone who tried this could be badly hurt.

Finally, Leader came into the room. "What are you talking about?" He asked.

"What the heck are we supposed to do about Ritonno? How do we keep an eye on her?"

"That's a problem?"

"Yes!"

"I assumed that it would be Deidara."

"Why me, yeah?"

"You're… innocent. Almost disgustingly so. And, you're friends with her. That ought to help you."

"I'm a really heavy sleeper, though, yeah…"

"Ritonno is loud. Trust me, she is. If she wants to wake you up for any reason, she'll be able to."

"Okay, yeah." Deidara went to his room to get sheets, then to the hall closet to get the futon that they always used in similar situations. He dragged it down the stairs and carried it into Ritonno's room, then set it up. Sometime while he was doing this, Ritonno woke up again.

"Hello, Ritonno-san, yeah. Feeling okay?"

"No. Has the doctor come yet?"

"Yeah. You were asleep, though, yeah. He says you'll be okay."

"I could tell that. So, you've been assigned to stay with me?"

"Is that a problem, yeah?" For some reason, he was still slightly fearful of her, even in her helpless state.

"No, not at all. If I'd thought about it, I would've figured out that it would be you."

"How, yeah?"

"Because Leader would never do it and you're so… Well, innocent. Comparing a normal guy to you is like comparing Itachi to a normal person. Wow, my side hurts…"

"Is there anything I can do for you, yeah?"

"Tell Leader that I'm awake and I'll probably tell him about it tomorrow."

"Okay, yeah!" Deidara left to do the simple task and Ritonno tried (and failed) to get back to sleep. Her body generally hurt. Whoever it had been, they had known that she was an Akatsuki member; they were obviously a very good ninja, too.

Deidara went up to the attic and knocked on Leader's door.

"Who is it?"

"Deidara, yeah!"

"Why?"

"I have a message from Ritonno-san, yeah."

"Enter."

So Deidara did. Leader was sitting on the edge of his bed.

"What is her message?"

"Well, she's awake, but she doesn't want to tell you what happened now, yeah; she'll probably tell you tomorrow."

"I see… Thank you for telling me, Deidara."

"No problem, yeah!" Deidara knew that the ending of a conversation was the same as a dismissal with Leader, so he walked out of the room, down the stairs, down the other stairs, and into Ritonno's room.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, yeah?" He said it softly. If Ritonno was asleep, which she appeared to be, she wouldn't hear him.

"You can shut up and let me try to fall asleep because sleep lets you forget how much your body actually hurts."

"Okay, yeah." He reached into his clay pouch and processed a little bit of clay, which he then proceeded to mold with his fingers, keeping his mouths closed. It had always amazed him that normal humans could make anything decent out of clay without mouths on their hands.

Eventually, he got hungry. To avoid an incident like the one when Ritonno left, he decided to make the packaged soba that was already in the fridge and which she had shown him how to make. It took him much longer than her to peel and cut vegetables, slice the meat (meat!), and generally get everything ready. He also remembered that she had shown him to set the oven to a low temperature so that he could keep the soba warm.

Finally, Deidara was ready. With several minor mishaps, he managed to make dinner for the Akatsuki. It wasn't as good as Ritonno's, but it was decent food.

There was a vote, this time, as to who would cook the next night. Deidara decided to take his food to Ritonno's room and sulk. Who knew how long it would be until Ritonno was up and moving again? Until then, Deidara would be spending too much quality time with Hidan.

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Ritonno is injured! You'll find out how in the next chapter.

I'm mostly done with my juban. I only have to sew the collar, add the sleeves, and hem it.

…But then, if you were on Deviantart, you already knew that.

Fanfiction readers, don't worry: there should be an update tonight unless I have tons and tons of homework.


	14. Chapter 14

Deidara's Troubles

By Magewriter

Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I don't own anything by Masashi Kishimoto.

It's been too long since I've written a disclaimer. Last night, I was taking a walk with my bf (we live in the same neighborhood) and I realized: I've been forgetting my diclaimers! …So, I wrote one here.

Sorry that the end of Chapter 13 is incomplete (I think I left someone's name out somewhere…) but it's morning. Pockles wakes up at 7:00 because she lives really near the school, but I wake up at 5:00 (this morning, it was 5:45!) because I like to have lots of time to do stuff before I leave for the bus stop at 7:21.

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The next morning, Deidara woke up to Ritonno shaking him. "Wake _up_ already, Deidara!"

"Wha…? Oh! Are you feeling better, Ritonno-san?"

"No, I just don't want to get out of bed. I'm sorry I have to do this to you, but you were chosen…"

"I know, yeah. Do you want breakfast?"

"Sure. I should probably eat something… Too bad I'm not actually hungry."

"It's good to have breakfast, though, yeah."

"Definitely."

Deidara left to heat up two portions of miso (he had made that pot of wonder-soup just the day before) and got a bowl for himself and one for Ritonno. Going back downstairs, he almost bumped into Leader. "Oh! Leader-sama! What are you doing downstairs so early, yeah?"

"I was going to check on Ritonno-san."

"Oh. She's awake now, yeah; come to think of it, she said she was going to tell you what happened today, didn't she, yeah?"

"Yes, she did."

"Okay. Come with me, yeah." Leader followed Deidara down the stairs and waited, patiently for someone who could demand her attention at any second, until Ritonno was finished with her miso.

After she was done, she smiled, pulled the pillow out from under her head, lay back, and closed her eyes. "You want to know what happened to me, don't you?"

"Yes." Leader was never one to show too much emotion, nor was he the sort of person to use a lot of words.

"Well, I was using my little girly steps, like I'm supposed to, then this woman came up next to me and did some genjutsu. There was a man, too. He's the one who 'fought' me, I guess, but the woman made it seem like we were in some other world or something… illusionary magic is always confusing."

"But… you do it all the time, yeah."

"Yes, but that's the straightforward kind of genjutsu. I'm talking about the kind more like Itachi does, where you go somewhere else and the rules of time don't really apply and… it's just weird."

"Did you see their headbands?"

"Not well, but I'd recognize their faces if I saw them. They also said something about 'Akatsuki,' but I didn't quite catch the actual words."

"I see… Well, if they resorted to hurting a member who didn't even have a decent stride, then they can't be that powerful in the first place."

"And I was weaponless."

"What?! Why?"

"Who takes weapons to a noh performance?"

"…"

"Sorry, I just don't usually go to noh performances where I get assaulted on the way home."

"You're an Akatsuki member." He was looking at her as though it was obvious that there were people who wanted to kill her. It was, but that didn't mean that she expected anyone to recognize her in a formal yukata.

"I know… Maybe next time the Akatsuki should slow down so that I don't get beat up."

"It will. Perhaps, if that concept is somehow impossible for them to follow, you should turn yourself invisible."

"There are always the people who can see through that. Like, there's you and Dei-chan, for example."

"I can't believe you're on such close terms with the rest of the Akatsuki members that you call Deidara 'chan.' Why can't you all act like assassins?"

"We are, yeah; we're friends, too."

Leader started to laugh. Deidara got scared – Leader was the most evil person in the world, and he was laughing! – and sort of shrunk. "Ritonno-chan? Why is Leader-sama laughing, yeah?" This made Leader laugh more, and Ritonno also started laughing. She had come to expect that Leader be odd.

This is where this story ends and the sequel begins.

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Sorry I had to do that. It's hard to stay in one perspective for this long. Fifteen chapters, even if they do happen to be relatively short, is the most I've ever written for one story. It's been degrading. I also don't want to do Ritonno's story yet because it would be so easy. Being a thirteen-year-old girl with a sixteen-year-old sister (almost seventeen), I can relate relatively well. But then, Ritonno, like all of my ocs, (I consider her an oc because his/her character hasn't been introduced in either the manga or the anime yet and she's completely improvised) is a lot like me.

Huzzah! I have a disclaimer!

Trust me. The sequel will be out as soon as I've gone over the thirteenth and fourteenth (that's this one) chapters with Pockles and I've had time to write another chapter. However, Pocky-machine (or, on fanfiction, Deidara's Most Rabid Fangirl) is at the mall with my other friend trying to decide what to get her bf for his birthday. Her mom suggested duct tape, my mom suggested men's pocky (that really is a kind of pocky…) and I suggested soap… but then, soap is what I would get my girl friends for Christmas; I would never it for my bf.

I didn't know how the heck Ritonno got hurt. I mean, we're talking about Ritonno here! …So, it's sort of fuzzy in her mind. The mangekyo Sharingan (I still haven't watched or read any Naruto except for the third episode and a little bit of Shippuden; however, as I said, I did Wikipedia them. I love how that's the only way I know the characters, but according to Pockles, I've got their characters.


End file.
